The Luv Doc: Tale as Old as Time

Dear Luv Doc,

I am a useless lesbian and have no idea how to flirt or find girls who like other girls. Look, tale as old as time, gay girl can’t tell when ladies are flirting with her. Hilarious, I know. I, however, have an excuse; I am autistic. Flirting while autistic is like playing darts while blindfolded; you hope something’s there and throw something out, and more often than not missing the mark. I am newly 18, in high school, and a big old nerd. Where am I supposed to go to find girls who would possibly like me, and more importantly, how do I tell if they DO like me? 

Thanks Doc, Useless Lez

p.s. Do people ever say “What’s up Doc” to you? And if they do, is it annoying or funny to you?

You’ll probably be hugely relieved (as I am) that very rarely do people ever say, “What’s up Doc?” to me. I think it might be because I have RSF, which is more commonly known as “Resting Snark Face.” For instance, if you pop into my office and say, “Whoa! Smells like UpDoc in here,” I’m probably going to leave you hanging. You’ll have to stand there in front of my desk in painfully awkward silence and marinate in my cold, humorless gaze for what will seem like an eternity. You might feel the irrepressible urge to blurt out a clue – something like: “Get it? UpDoc! It’s like updog, but with your name!” At which point I will stand up quietly, walk down the hall, and lock myself in the bathroom until the security team ushers you out of the building. 

By the way – and I’m sure you already know this: I am employing the “you” here rhetorically. I would never dare insinuate that you, personally, are the kind of doe-eyed optimist who would dare to perpetrate an Andy Bernard joke on me. You are clearly better than that. Besides, you’re autistic. I wouldn’t expect you to read the room in the first place. I doubt that long silence would be awkward for you either, but to keep it 100, my knowledge of autism is fairly limited and likely riddled with inaccurate stereotypes. I’m pretty sure I know more lesbians than I do autistic people, but maybe that’s just because autistic people don’t drive Subarus and dress like lumberjacks. Could autistic people work harder on branding? Probably, but what I think is becoming clear here is that I will not be bringing a vast wealth of knowledge to your particular predicament. Maybe not even a serviceable amount.

What I can say though, is that I have played a shit-ton of blindfolded darts – well, metaphorically at least, and not because I am a sadist, but because I have missed the mark on countless occasions – and not without collateral damage. It’s tough enough just finding friends – even tougher to find a lover, and, statistically at least, even tougher to find a lesbian who is into big ol’ nerds, but not impossible. And look, I could feed you some easy layups to pad your stats – like buying season tickets to Texas women’s basketball (we’re going to the Final 4!!) or maybe getting a job at a U-Haul store, but those flaming-hot tips are going to be useless unless those are things you’re really into.

Conversely, being a nerd is universal, and universally attractive. People love people who are really enthusiastic and passionate about stuff, and to me, that’s what being a nerd is all about: Unabashedly owning and celebrating your passions regardless of what other people think about them. That is some sexy stuff. Being who you really are and doing what you really love is inevitably going to attract the people you want to be around. You seem to have that going on, plus you’re a freshly minted adult, so don’t feel rushed just because it seems like all your hetero classmates are out there hooking up. Lastly: How will you know someone likes you? Well, you’ll know when you can’t seem to get rid of them … when they keep finding excuses to be around you. Not everybody flirts, and even those who do don’t always do it well. Sometimes … no, most times … being direct and sincere is the best strategy.

This article appears in April 3 • 2026.