Dear Luv Doc,
My huzz (if u dont know that means crush) is so cute and he’s in my homeroom but he doesnt even notice pretty girls. I have to find a way to get my hands on him. So I started dating the quarterback of our high school team, I only started dating him to make my huzz jealous (and because of his sweet gyatt). He’s giving weird looks to this girl (let’s call her Amy), I think he’s cheating but I ship them. I have this BFF and I tell him everything, but he’s just staring at me when we have sleepovers, and not even at my face. He is totally lying about his girlfraind. He always gets the story wrong. I went over to my “boyfreinds” house today and he was also giving me weird looks, and as soon as I came in, he slammed the closet door like tung tung tung sahur was in there, but he is still giving me weird looks. I need to know who to choose, who likes me, and if I will ever find true love.
Aimless in Austin
Thanks for the tip on the huzz, Aimless! I will add that term to my boomer lexicon and further annoy my friends and family. I have to admit I do likes me some slang. Gyatt is an especially satisfying example. Correct me if I’m wrong, but my guess is that it’s short for “gyatt dayum that boy’s got an impressive keister.” I think it goes without saying that “gyatt” could be useful in any number of situations that don’t include a roomful of men my age. I know this is probably something you’d prefer not to think about, but as your gym teacher probably tells you on the regular, there is a price to be paid for skipping leg day.
Here’s my prognostication – and regardless of how insulting it’s going to feel, it’s one thousand percent accurate: You will find true love, just not in high school. I mean, people claim they find true love in high school, but I kind of think that only happens in small towns where the incidence of meth addiction trims the life expectancy down to the low 30s. In those places if you want to sire some progeny you need to graduate, get a singlewide, and get busy with the babymaking. However, here in a sophisticated metropolis like Austin, people your age are inundated with a bewildering number of possibilities, all of which begin after high school and possibly end a few years later with the AI apocalypse. But, barring robot Armageddon, that’s when real life begins. It’s also when real love begins. And who knows? Maybe after your huzz has been through some real shit – like battling swarms of hostile nanobots from a camouflaged bunker in West Lake – or simply cleaning out the grease trap to impress his boss at Chili’s – he might become the kind of well-rounded snack you could devour for an eternity. Fingers crossed.
For now, my advice to you is to ditch the quarterback. Gyatt notwithstanding, his weird look giving is not a good sign, and it seems like you’re at peace with him and Amy hooking up. Let’s hope it was her in his closet and not that tung tung tung sahur fellow, who, if I’m being totally honest, seems a bit too body confident. You didn’t describe your BFF as a huzz or a gyatt, so I’m going to disqualify him, even though you’re having sleepovers. I guess you braid each other’s hair? And then there’s your huzz, who doesn’t notice pretty girls. My guess is either he is an undercover cop like Nick Cannon in Underclassman, gay or questioning, or maybe he’s just a young intellectual who is only attracted to girls with noodles under their rugs.
Happily, if he’s the young intellectual, you know what to do! Cram for the exam! Get all book smart! And here’s the deal: You’re in the perfect place to do it! You probably even have a library in easy walking distance. You put in a couple thousand intense hours there and girl, you are going to be undeniably attractive – if not to your huzz, certainly to some D1 colleges with huzzes times 10. Now look, I may not be Einstein, but I do know love, and if you want to be loved, you need to bring something to the table other than looks. If you truly figure that out now, you’re going to be swimming in huzzes when it really counts.
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This article appears in October 9 • 2026.
