So, sitting around in my fat pants on New Year’s Day I came across an article on Huffington Post entitled, “7 Things You Totes Need to Stop Saying if You’re Over 30 (Oops, There’s One of Them).” Turns out I say all of them regularly except for one, which I intend to start using immediately. What can I say? I love new words, no matter how stupid they sound. Then I thought, “What about people under 30?” Shouldn’t they get advice too? Yes, they should. Here it is:
7 things people under 30 should stop doing.
7) Growing Rollie Fingers-style mustaches – especially if you don’t know who Rollie Fingers is. If this is what it takes to stop ball cancer, it’s not worth it.
6) Wearing polyester clothing – vintage and non. Here’s what even the short bus people learned in the Seventies: Polyester is a funk sponge. No, not the good kind. There is no such thing as “breathable polyester.” Stop it. Stop it now.
5) Buying vinyl records. Yes, we know that the analog sine wave is a truer representation of the original sound source, but fuck you. Your ears aren’t that good.
4) “Rocking” cheap plastic knock-off Ray-Ban sunglasses. You are not the bassist for Vampire Weekend or the homeless squeegee guy on the corner. Even if you are, no.
3) Buying expensive cocktails. This is the reason you’re in the 99%: You buy indulgent, unnecessary shit that only one percenters can afford. Stick with Natty Light until you can afford good whiskey.
2) Wearing big headphones. Trust me, you were every bit as much of a self-absorbed asshole when you were wearing earbuds. Unless it’s 1973 and you’re trying to keep your parents from hearing your satanic death metal, can the cans.
1) Foraging. Unless you’re a displaced war refugee or a contestant on a reality show, stay the fuck out of my garden.
This article appears in 2013.