Dear Luv Doc,
My boyfriend is always very sweet to me when we are alone or with his family of friends, but whenever we are around my family or friends he gets snippy, acts annoyed, and is rude to me. I have always been the type of person who avoids public confrontation because it’s really embarrassing for me. I think he takes advantage of this because he knows when we’re in public I won’t fight back. In fact, it seems like lately he actually waits until we’re in public to criticize me or speak harshly to me. I don’t know how to handle this so he has been getting away with murder (so to speak). When I confront him about it after the fact he always says that I am over-exaggerating and that he wasn’t being rude. How do I stop this behavior without having a huge argument in front of our friends? – Conflict Avoider
The best way to avoid conflict is to physically extricate yourself from the conflict. That means walking away. Walking away in the opposite direction is preferable, but if there is no easily available exit in that direction, you may have to walk forward and around him. No words are necessary when exiting. You will need to focus on moving away from the conflict as quickly and efficiently as possible.
If your boyfriend’s name is on your lease/mortgage, you will need to find alternative accommodations. Make sure, however, that you pack as much of your cherished and valuable belongings as you can because it might take a while to pick up the remainder of your stuff.
If your name is on the lease/mortgage, your first order of business is to call a locksmith. Cothron’s is great, but you should go with whoever can make the fastest service call. It’s going to be a bit expensive, but believe me, it’s money well spent, and once your home/apartment/condo is safely secured, you can turn your attention to removing any of his personal items to a location where he can access them without having to interact with you.
Traditionally people in your situation take advantage of a location directly beneath a window – like the top of a shrub, the lawn, or a sidewalk. While these locations do have the advantage of being convenient, their proximity to your residence makes them undesirable for conflict avoidance. Therefore, I recommend driving his possessions to the residence of one of his friends or relatives. Very likely they will treat you sweetly – like your boyfriend does when he is around them. There is also a good chance they will be puzzled and annoyingly over inquisitive. Even still, their befuddlement will be much more pleasant than enduring your ex-boyfriend’s tearful, rage-filled tantrum as he collects his possessions underneath your window while you call the police.
Now, I know there is probably a treasure trove of psychology hacks on TikTok about what to do when your boyfriend is an asshole to you in public, and some of them might even be effective in the short term, but long-term? Your boyfriend will still be an asshole. Some people are the kind of broken that can’t be fixed – at least not without years and years of soul-sucking drama that will likely leave you broken as well. I recommend you stay healthy, and as any good doctor will tell you, staying healthy always involves some sort of movement and possibly even a certain amount of pain. Lean into it and your life will be richer in the long run.
This article appears in November 10 • 2023.
