Dear Luv Doc,
Hooked up with a guy this summer and we hit it off – we’re both in our 30s and are hardworking professionals. We both like to travel – already done a couple of trips to New Orleans and one to San Francisco (company biz) and when we’re in Austin we usually spend about 3-4 nights a week with each other, either me at his or him at mine. We share similar tastes in food, music, films, and both have a lot of friends that so far seem to be getting along together. There is only one problem, but for me it’s a really big one – sex. We have a lot of it, but it’s always about five minutes of basic penetration with very little foreplay – very different than my previous relationships. Our “foreplay” almost always involves me giving him a blowjob that is reciprocated with enthusiastic missionary sex. The only times I have orgasmed – and they have been few – have been the result of my efforts, not his. Also … I am not a shy person. I have talked to him about this more than once. He always says, “Yeah, I need to do better about that.” He will occasionally unenthusiastically try to finger me and sometimes I can even get him to go down on me, but he doesn’t take direction very well and it always ends up frustrating. I think this thing we have could work out, but I am getting discouraged. He’s a fun guy but not a great listener. I think he would be surprised and hurt if he knew I am unhappy sexually, but I just don’t think he really gets it. What should I do? Send him to a sex camp?
– Dry Hole
Sex camp is just band camp, right? Or maybe Baptist Youth Camp? To be honest, I am a little bit afraid to Google it. I popped it into ChatGPT and the second sentence I read contained the word “sexperts,” which seemed like a really good sign I should try Gemini instead. Before you try to accuse me of being closed-minded, please remember Dr. Ruth died in 2024, and as far as sexperts are concerned, she was the GOAT. Seriously, who doesn’t want the voice of a petite octo/nonagenarian German Holocaust survivor/wounded-in-action Jewish war hero in their head when preparing to perform cunnilingus? What? You’re going to dial up some Dan Savage?
Seriously, who doesn’t want the voice of a petite octo/nonagenarian German Holocaust survivor/wounded-in-action Jewish war hero in their head when preparing to perform cunnilingus?
Anyway, when one AI shits the bed, the obvious thing to do is to try another. BINGO. Gemini paid off big time with a citation of the following portion of a removed Reddit URL: “erupts-over-kentucky-sexual-summer-camp-kids-taught-to-masturbate-have-sex-on-drugs-more.” Dr. Ruth would have been proud – not just of the state of Kentucky for advancing the noble cause of sex education in their own, questionably trashy way, but of Google Gemini for unearthing such an absolute gem (see what I did there?) of a text string. Thank you, AI, our cups runneth over. I don’t know what “erupted,” but I do know that if you don’t learn how to masturbate as a kid, you’re probably going to be terrible at it as an adult. Also, I think we can safely say that a disturbing number of adult sexual encounters happen while one or more participants are under the influence of some licit or illicit substance, so it couldn’t hurt to polish up those skills at an early age. Simmer down, Reverend Osteen. The drinking age in Kentucky may be 21, but the age of consent is 16. I don’t make the rules – certainly not in Kentucky, but you can bet your bitcoin those magic numbers were the work of the patriarchy.
But back to your beau though: I can’t say that it’s not troubling that – even with a very liberal definition of “this summer” – he still hasn’t taken care of your needs. It’s nearly Halloween. I am guessing that, other than New Orleans, his trips down south are … infrequent? Is he an F1 driver with an insanely strong neck? Does he have really tiny ears? Were you never taught the scissor lock? That’s probably lesson one at Kentucky Sexual Summer Camp. I apologize for the victim blaming, but sometimes it takes two to not have an orgasm. That said, the most plausible reason for your boyfriend’s inattention to your sexual needs is because he doesn’t care about them, which is a great reason to kick him to the curb. However, there also a small chance that he might just be undertrained and underconfident. You could probably send him to Sexual Summer Camp for that, and he might come back with a muscular tongue and a magnificent Kentucky Waterfall, but long term, your best plan of action is to send him down to Camp Dry Hole instead and train him up yourself. Tell him exactly what you want and how and when you want it. It might be crazy awkward at first, but honest communication is the key to any good relationship. If he’s truly into you, he’ll be down. If not, he might make a great platonic friend.
This article appears in October 25 • 2024.
