Dear Luv Doc,
Facebook is a very powerful medium. It can make or break relationships.
I have been with my boyfriend for four years and he has yet to post that he is in a relationship with me. I spoke to a licensed counselor about how I don’t feel validated or taken seriously. The counselor said to speak up and ask for what I want. We have talked about it a few times and nothing changes. He says all his friends know he has a girlfriend, but there are many female FB friends that know nothing about us and I feel he likes to keep it that way because he would not get the attention that he does otherwise.
He says he loves me, yet a part of me feels insecure. If he really did love me he would want to share it with ALL his friends. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I’m not at any time going to force him or give him the ultimatum. I just wish he would have the feelings to do it on his own. Am I being silly?
– In a relationship or not?
Let me assure you there is nothing silly about anything in your question other than that bit about Facebook being able to make or break relationships. I am going to take an NRA-style approach here and say that Facebook doesn’t kill people(‘s relationships), people kill people(‘s relationships). Facebook is just a tool (for communication), a tool people need to put down occasionally so they can actively engage in their actual lives.
Yes, I know that when you drop major coin on a brand-new Galaxy S7, you want to capture your entire existence in stunning 2160p resolution. After all, it’s not enough to just see the wisps of hair inside your pores, you want to see the microbes on those wisps. I’m not an ophthalmologist, but I am not sure our eyes are even that good – well, at least mine aren’t. In fact, the older I get, the better everyone seems to look – sort of like closing time at a honky-tonk.
It seems everyone at a rock show these days is holding up a fucking camera the size of a King James Bible – presumably because we aren’t used to trusting the reality of things we don’t see on a screen. Veracity is a fickle bitch to be sure, but it’s also highly overrated. For instance, some people live their entire lives ignoring reality. They get along just fine.
So, regarding the Facebook thing: You said yourself that part of you feels insecure. It’s time to deal with that part of you. Take a look at your relationship with this fellow and decide if four years of being with him (outside of his relationship status on Facebook) is enough empirical evidence to feel secure and not sweat that one detail. Then again, if that one detail is actually a spoiler, go ahead and give your boyfriend an ultimatum. Not respecting your feelings on something he considers inconsequential is silly, so make him walk the walk. If he values his Facebook relationship status more than he values your relationship, maybe you don’t have one.
This article appears in April 8 • 2016.
