Man, fuck 2012. Compared to 2013, last year was a huge, steaming turd. I can’t even believe we lived through it. What an embarrassment. We’re only a few days into the glorious new year and I can tell already that things are looking up. Here a few reasons why 2013 will totally kick 2012’s ass.
1. There’s no firm date for an impending apocalypse this year, Mayan or otherwise. Yes, we’re all still going to die, but we’re back to the cruel cosmic joke of not knowing exactly when. Comforting, right? Besides, no one scored a last minute mercy shag at their Mayan apocalypse party anyway.
2. We’re no longer waiting for Formula One to take our cherry. We might have fantasized about ending up in some sort of Goldschläger-soaked waterbed fuck knot with the Crown Prince of Bahrain’s harem in the boom boom suite at the Four Seasons, but we now know that the ugly reality of F1 is the extra hour wait to get seated at Eddie V’s because a group of Spanish NASCAR wannabes in logo jackets just ordered dessert wine.
3. Lance Armstrong can finally relax. After a couple of ‘roid-crazed decades of kicking foreigners asses at their own sport, dating pop stars, curing cancer (thank you very much), and generally looking pissed off, Lance can finally grow some dreads, smoke some dope, and take up yoga and Frisbee golf. Who knows? Maybe Thundercloud is hiring.
4. Condos for everyone! If you’ve been living in a dingy, rusted out doublewide in Southeast Austin, 2013 might just be your year! How about a stylish new 400 square foot pied-à-terre that overlooks Ladybird Lake? Rampant over development means no pet deposit for your pit bull. Being able to launch emphysema oysters off your balcony onto the heads of unsuspecting hipster pedestrians? Priceless.
5. Ironic jeggings will replace skinny jeans as the foundation of hipster chic. You’ve been waiting on this one for a while, haven’t you? Why peg-leg around in a pair of ridiculously uncomfortable skinny jeans when you can enjoy the stretchy comfort of jeggings that resemble Eighties acid wash? Is that camel toe real or screen-printed? You’ll have to touch it to find out.
This article appears in 2012.
