The Luv Doc: Positivity Is a Slow Grind

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been with my girlfriend since 2019. We started living together during COVID and during that time we spent a lot of time together and were fighting more than I thought we should. In 2021 I went back to work in the office and things between us stabilized somewhat, but even then I would come home and she would complain about how bored she was or how something had annoyed her. She finally went back into the office in 2022. I thought this would be a good thing because she wouldn’t be bored and she would be able to talk about her problems with her co-workers. Instead, it only increased her amount of complaining. Over the past three years, every day, no matter what kind of day I have had or what I have been going through, I have to listen to her unload all the problems, conflicts, and grievances she’s had that day. To hear her tell it, nothing nice ever happens to her. Honestly, it’s become really exhausting and is affecting my happiness and my feelings about us being together for the long term. I want to be there for her, but I would like her to be there for me sometimes too. How do I get her to think positively?

– The Negativity Sponge

Here’s the real question: Why isn’t your girlfriend writing to the Luv Doc every day? Goddamn it, if people are going to drivel on endlessly about their problems to their spouses, friends, families, neighbors, co-workers, or random people they encounter in public like Forrest Gump on a bus stop bench, the least they can do is let me crochet their yarns of sorrow into brilliantly colored tartans of moderately monetizable text. After all, a lose-win scenario is the next best thing to a win-win scenario, isn’t it? But what am I screaming at you for? You’re doing the right thing. You’re actually putting yourself out here looking for a real solution instead of sucking the spirit out of other people with incessant whinging.

That’s why it pains me to say that I don’t have an easy solution to your problem in particular, which is, to rephrase: “How do I get my girlfriend to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and latch on to the affirmative?” That’s Bing’s answer at least. No, I’m not talking about Microsoft’s garbage search engine, I’m talking about Bing Crosby – or more specifically quoting lyrics from a No. 2 hit song Bing sang called, “Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive,” written by Johnny Mercer, Tin Pan Alley lyricist, co-founder of Capitol Records, and Judy Garland side-piece. Say what you will about his phonetics, the man had a way with words.

If you prefer your songwriting sages to be a little closer to home, Willie Nelson seems to be a big fan of positivity, and Willie really has it figured out. You don’t get a house on Maui (aka “Far West Austin”) by sad-sacking it all the time … at least in real life. In song? Well, that’s a different deal. All that said, you can’t tell an inherently negative person that negative thoughts produce negative words and negative results. Telling people stuff is rarely effective – just like this column. You have to show them. Now, you’re absolutely right. It can be exhausting to always be the cheerleader, the sunshine, the smiling face in the face of withering adversity, but from my anecdotal research, that’s the fucking gig. Every day is hard. Every day is scary. There is no rest in this relentless grind unless you allow yourself to rest. There is no happiness unless you allow yourself to recognize and appreciate the people and things that bring you joy.

So here’s some things you can be thankful for: You have a girlfriend who stuck with you through some tough times and is still hanging around. You both have jobs and a place to live. You live in Austin, which is easily one of the top 20 cities in Texas, and you live on planet Earth, which is literally the only inhabitable planet in the solar system. You have a lot to be thankful for – that’s a lot to talk about. Maybe you can make it a point to bring home one positive thing in your day to talk about when your girlfriend goes negative. Who knows? That might just turn things around. It might not. Positivity is a slow grind, but you got this.

This article appears in June 20 • 2025.