Dear Luv Doc,
I just moved to Austin from Central CA two months ago. I don’t know anyone out here, so I took to online dating apps to meet a romantic partner; and alas, I have had little to no luck there. I got work at a neighborhood convenience store and am starting to slowly meet people in the community – including some people I would very much like to ask out on a distanced date. My question is: Is it prudent to use my position as a clerk to ask people out? I feel like I could alienate customers if they’re not interested in me and I ask for their number. Moreover, if I do meet someone through working at the store and we have a messy or sour breakup, I am afraid that it could affect my job. The old adage, “Don’t poo where you eat,” seems to play out in my mind when I think about my conundrum. What do you think I should do? Do I keep it professional or ask for the number? Warmest regards.
– Part-Time Clerk, Full-Time Love
First of all, I think it’s important to point out that there is no old adage that says, “Don’t poo where you eat.” The correct phrase is, “Don’t shit where you eat.” While I will grudgingly admit that “Don’t poo where you eat” has a nauseating twee adorability, the meaning is essentially the same. Don’t defecate where you eat. Poo is a cuter word, yes, but you’re still talking about shit. As the old saying goes, “A rose is a rose is a rose,” but a poo is not a rose, nor does it smell like one. No sane person ever said, “I will eat your poo but I will not eat your shit.” Why? Because they are the same thing.
“Poo” is not a less offensive word. If anything, it’s more offensive – and not just because of the naive pretense that you’re saving the rest of humanity from having to hear the word “shit” and visualize the substance it describes, but because when you say the word “poo” you have to pucker your lips like an actual anus, the conduit through which all shit generally flows. So for the sake of society as a whole, let’s not mince words like some sort of Baptist youth minister intent on telling an off-color joke to a bunch of preteen pizza partiers so he can seem cool. We’re fucking adults here, and we’re all well familiar with shit.
OK, so in regard to shitting where you eat: I don’t recommend it. Nor do I recommend hitting on customers unless that is your actual job. Ask yourself: “Does my job require me to wear a string pouch thong?” If not, they probably didn’t hire you to hit on their customers – even if … and this is very important … the customers seem like they’re really into you. That desperate look etched on the face of a customer buying a pack of Immodium A-D might not have anything to do with her desire for your hot bod. Her seemingly authentic appreciation of your Bazooka Joe gum wrapper joke might have more to do with her need to expedite the transaction than it does with her amazement at your rapier wit. The point is, you can never fully trust a mind that’s jonesing for a dopamine fix, so it’s best not to bet your job on it.
Now, I am not going to pull your leg and tell you that no one in human history has successfully made a romantic overture while in someone’s employ. It happens all the time, on the regular, and sure, you might get away with it – maybe even a few thousand times – but sooner or later it’s going to go badly, even if you look like Harry Styles and have McConaughey’s BDE. So, the real question you have to ask yourself is, “How much does this convenience store clerk job mean to me?” Are you willing to roll the dice? Are you willing to bet your income on your sexual magnetism/irresistible, sparkling personality? If so, go for it. You were looking for a job when you found that one, weren’t you? However, in the long run, it’s never a good idea to mix pleasure with business. One or the other is bound to get ruined.
This article appears in January 22 • 2021.