Dear Luv Doc,
I make a modest income as a station chef at a local restaurant. I have been living by myself and paying rent on a large one-bedroom apartment since my roommate moved a year and a half ago. I love the apartment and the location, but without a roommate, it really puts stress on my budget. I suppose I complain about it more than I should, because my (relatively) new boyfriend is telling me he wants to pay half my rent. He claims he doesn’t want to move in with me – which I believe because he has a high-paying job and a very nice apartment himself, but I didn’t feel comfortable with him taking on my financial burden, so I said no. I may be a little frugal, but I like being self-reliant when it comes to my own finances. He always insists on paying for everything whenever we go out anyway. He says “that’s just the way he was raised.” I don’t mind if he pays for dinner, but paying half my rent feels like he is trying to control me. Anyway, now he is mad at me for not letting him help with my rent. He says I am being stupid and he thinks I am trying to get rid of him. Am I wrong for not letting him help pay my rent?
– A Stubborn Independent
To grossly misquote soul singer Luther Ingram, “If getting paid is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” Hey, who doesn’t love money? I’m sure there’s someone. Maybe Bernie Sanders. His dope inauguration mittens were bespoke as fuck, but they were actually a gift. That ruthlessly putty-colored Burton Edgecomb Gore-Tex jacket however, is some super-cozy one-percenter outerwear, even in Vermont. It’s the Green Mountain State equivalent of rocking a Tommy Bahama floral shirt. Kinda casual but kinda isn’t, is it? No reason to pull his pinko card, but we see you, Bernie.
When it comes to true money hatin’, there is another Jewish fellow doing the heavyweightin’. That being JC, of course. Had he attended the inauguration – and there are plenty of folks who will claim he did – he would be rocking a fierce off-white tunic and probably some mismatched flip-flops from Goodwill. You might have mistaken him for someone who thought he had stumbled into a Phish concert until you noticed that his feet weren’t super dirty, he didn’t have a hand-braided Guatemalan friendship bracelet, and he didn’t know how to play Hacky Sack. Three strikes and you might be the messiah. Unlike Bernie, Jesus would have left the inauguration early to go run the moneychangers out of the temple because what else is he going to do with all that BDE? Invest in a Roth IRA? Unlikely.
I think what Jesus would tell you (and you’re going to have to just trust me here because I am part of a long tradition of old white dudes telling people they know what Jesus would say) is that if you’re feeling in any way uncomfortable about taking money from your boyfriend, you shouldn’t. Trust your gut. Like you said yourself, you might be living a little architecturally beyond your means, but you are getting by. Remember: Gertrude Stein told Hemingway to spend less money on his clothes and more money on collecting art. In other words, drop that skrilla on whatever brings you joy, even if you have to wear mismatched Goodwill flip-flops – which, by the way, I don’t recommend if you work in a commercial kitchen.
The second reason to trust your gut (aside from the fact that you’re a chef) is that often it’s reacting to behaviors that you can’t quite put a name to. The idea of being in any way indebted to this fellow might be a sign that you’re unwilling to commit at that level or that you sense he might be using the money as a means of controlling you. All that said, it’s worth having a conversation with him about why he is so concerned about your financial situation. Maybe he thinks you’re more stressed out than you really are. Maybe you can reassure him that your hair is not on fire financially. You could even invite him to an expensive restaurant and let him pay for it so he can be less worried about you. Make sure to order a really nice wine. It’s what Gertrude Stein would do.
This article appears in March 5 • 2021.
