Dear Luv Doc,
I am a 43-year-old mother of two boys who are in their early teens. The oldest is 17 and working a summer job at a restaurant. He is dating an older girl (18) at the moment, but has confessed to me that he considers himself polyamorous. I am not sure that really applies at his age, but I tried to understand. Last Friday I got home from work only to be told by my youngest (13) that he wants to be a girl. This came as a big surprise given that he has never shown any feminine tendencies up to this point. As far as I know he has never even been interested in sex at all. Now all of the sudden he says he wants to start transitioning to be a female. Even if this is some ploy to get attention, it worries me that this is what he has chosen. I tried to stay calm and said that he should do his research. Being a woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I thought his brother might have my back on this but he says his little brother’s gender choice is “her decision.” He is only 13. He hasn’t even reached puberty. He is barely any gender at all, so it seems a little bit early to make such a huge, life-altering decision. How do I get him to slow down and make a well-informed decision? Or maybe not make a decision at all?</p?
– Worried Mom
I am probably going to take a big hit from the teen community for this, but I am going to just put it out there: 13 is an absolutely beastly age when the uncontrolled hubris of a 12-year-old runs smack-dab into the reality that the world is much larger, meaner, and more complicated than anyone could ever imagine. It’s sink-or-swim time for pretty much all points on the gender spectrum at that age. Everyone’s scrambling to pick a gang for fear they’ll get caught out in the yard alone. When you’re 11, alone seems manageable. When you’re 13, you live in constant fear you’re going to get shivved – either intellectually or physically – by some sneering eighth-grader who looks like Eric Trump. That fear is justified. Hurt people hurt people.
Thirteen is an absolutely beastly age when the uncontrolled hubris of a 12-year-old runs smack-dab into the reality that the world is much larger, meaner, and more complicated than anyone could ever imagine.
Teenagers – especially early teenagers – are mean in a way that can be scarring to even adults. If for some reason you feel that statement lacks verisimilitude, perhaps you should follow Miss Dugan on TikTok. Are they testing boundaries? Yes, and in doing so they’re deciding where they might need to land to feel safe, appreciated, loved. Some people end up arrested in adolescence like a moth in amber – well, at least emotionally. I’m not just talking about stoners who collect action figures. Plenty of people seek asylum in the relative safety of activities like the Latin Club, drama, choir, or the Quidditch team. What? You didn’t have one? How poor was your school?
It’s great to indulge your interest in a broad range of activities. To test yourself. To see what you’re made of. But there’s also the danger that you’re just putting off the inevitable by trying to be everything you’re not. You might wake up one day and realize that all the things you thought you were running to had more to do with what you were running from. Some people never figure that out. Imagine being one of those people. Imagine being 53 years old like Elon Musk and still not knowing you’re an enormous douchenozzle. Really Elon? You never noticed? The signs were everywhere, but if you’re donating $45 million a month to the Trump campaign and you see yourself as a decent, honorable person, chances are you’re living in a state of profound denial. We call that state “Texas,” but you call it your new SpaceX headquarters because your trans daughter disowned you for being a … we don’t want to spiral into some sort of infinity loop here, but it rhymes with “souche.”
While the gender identity issues of a 13-year-old may seem overly intimidating – like Eric Trump to a seventh-grader – you are not alone. As I see it, there are a couple of action items here: First, reach out to some other parents your age – ideally ones with trans kids, and get their take. If you’re having trouble finding them, google “TENT,” “TransParent USA,” or “PFLAG,” and start that journey. The second action item is to do what comes easy: Love, support, and truly try to understand your son through open and honest communication. If he still wants to get hormone treatment when he turns 18, you will at least understand why, and maybe even empathize.
This article appears in August 2 • 2024.
