Dear Luv Doc,
I have caught strong feelings for a girl in my office. We had been hanging out as friends – lunches, office happy hours after work – but since I confessed feelings for her she will only be around me in group situations. She said she only sees me as a friend, even though she says things to try to make me jealous. She’ll talk about other guys she is friends with and say they went to such and such place and talk about how much fun she had. I know she doesn’t have a boyfriend. What can I do to make her see me as more than a friend? I’m not looking for someone to tell me that I should forget about her and move on. I’ve had other people tell me that. I need to get some tips on how make her see me as more than just a friend. Thanks. – Friendzoned
You should forget about her and move on. Look, I would love to dazzle you with some revolutionary self-improvement regimen that will make you instantly attractive to this woman, but there isn’t one – at least not that I am aware of. If there was, I might be out touring the nation fleecing desperate incels with costly Tony Robbins-style self improvement seminars … or maybe dominating the manosphere with a weekly brocast on how to make any woman fall instantly in love. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone is already doing that, but that someone isn’t me. I’m not against money, but I think at this point I’ve proven fairly conclusively that I lack the requisite intelligence, wile, and ambition needed to amass obscene wealth. Or, maybe it’s because I am wracked by a conscience courtesy of the One True Church. Slow clap for the papists! Without the stern rebuke of the clergy and the habit-wearing wives of Jesus, who knows what I might have become? JD Vance? Dan Patrick? Well actually, thanks to my Irish Catholic lineage, I really am Dan Patrick – unlike our shape-shifting swamp monster lieutenant governor, Dannie Scott Goeb. If you’re going to take a huge shit on Texas by voting for an unrepentant fraud and charlatan, at least call him by his real name. There’s no reason to respect his chosen proper nouns when he doesn’t respect people’s chosen pronouns.
Actually, thanks to my Irish Catholic lineage, I really am Dan Patrick – unlike our shape-shifting swamp monster lieutenant governor, Dannie Scott Goeb.
Now, if I may, let me get back to your “office romance,” aka – your fantasy. I will fully admit that I am not around to get a sense of this girl’s vibe, but I don’t have to. She literally said she only sees you as a friend. That is solid, actionable intel that says you need to reel it back into your pants and leave it there permanently – at least as far as this woman is concerned. Now is not the time to start concocting clever schemes to win her love with some desperate act of trickery or some embarrassingly grandiose romantic gesture. You are not Lloyd Dobler and kickboxing is not the sport of the future. If you show up outside her house in a trench coat with a 1980s jambox, there is about a 100% chance she is calling the police. No sane person in Austin ever wears a trench coat – not even in February. Trench coat wearers are always up to some nefarious shit – even if it’s just a stack of acrobatic toddlers trying to sneak into a hard-R movie. That paste-on millennial pornstache isn’t fooling anybody.
Here’s another important point: She’s not trying to make you jealous by talking about her other platonic male friends. If anything, she is trying to tell you it’s OK for you to be a platonic male friend as long as you’re not perving out whenever you’re around her. The only person making you jealous is you, so cut that shit out immediately. You wouldn’t claim a male friend is trying to make you jealous by talking about his other male friends … and if you would, I suggest you spend some quality time with a mental health professional and work that shit out. Bottom line is, you can’t go through life putting thoughts and intentions in other people’s heads that suit your fantasized version of reality. You have to actually listen to what they say. You have to judge them by what they do. If you can remember that, your life will be filled with a lot less drama and conflict. So, instead of trying to find ways to coerce this woman into being who you want her to be, maybe focus on making yourself the kind of person you think you would be if you had her affection. Yes, that’s a much harder and humbling journey, but infinitely more rewarding.
Listen to The Luv Doc Podcast about this week’s column!This article appears in The 35th Annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival.
