Dear Luv Doc,
In this woke day and age, in this woke-ass town, is it socially acceptable for a normally woke woman to kick her cheating ex in the nuts if he dares to show up in the honky-tonk where he knows she will be? Or should she just request the band play songs like “You Lie” “You’re No Good” or “You Can Have Him (I Don’t Want Him)” in rapid succession whilst staring directly at him? Or both, in which case we would all be staring down at him. A girl can dream. Asking for a friend… of course.
A Normally Woke Woman
It really all depends on how you define “socially acceptable.” On a macro scale, nut-kicking would be considered assault in a court of law – especially here in Texas, where, according to pretty much every Republican campaign ad in the last election, if Democrats got voted into office, Texas schoolboys were all in grave danger of going to school with cojones and coming home with ovaries. Now, a normal, reasonable person watching those ads could only come to the conclusion that Republicans think the average Texan is an ass-scratching hayseed with the IQ of Dan Patrick … or … they don’t think that and actually believe their Democratic opponents are scalpel-wielding psychopaths hellbent on collecting schoolboys’ genitalia. Regardless of what is actually cooking in their corrupt, greed-depraved noggins, their behavior can be best described in one word: deplorable. Yeah, I know. Hillary was right, she was just wrong about which people on the right: It was the politicians, not the voters. Even still, we should cut her some slack. She went to Yale … just like JD Vance.
I think a couple hundred million dollars’ worth of Elon Musk-funded attack ads focused entirely on the threat of castration proves conclusively that Texas is a state that cares more about having balls than having brains. Therefore, the likelihood of you getting an impartial jury for nut-kicking your ex in a honky-tonk is pretty slim, assuming the case goes to trial. People in Texas honky-tonks generally get a lot of leeway, legally speaking. Hell, Billy Joe Shaver shot a man in the neck in a honky-tonk parking lot and got acquitted, but as a rule, nut-kicking is considered dirty pool in just about every circumstance, no matter how bad the nutsack deserved it or, dare I say, the gender of the kicker. So, while I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any legal training whatsoever, I am going to advise you strongly to avoid the nut-kicking for legal reasons.
Requesting songs from a band can be tricky as well, but in my experience, cash is an effective lubricant. Musicians are only human; many have to pay rent for themselves as well as their exes and buy food, drugs, booze, needlessly expensive guitars, and flashy costuming. It’s no wonder they were able to find so many acts desperate enough to play the Trump inauguration. Lee Greenwood has three ex-wives. He wouldn’t turn down an opening spot at a Klan rally. Daddy gots to make alimony.
No matter how much cash you invest in taking your musical revenge, maybe lean more into your love of the requested song than your hate for its intended target. Tell the band how their music really speaks to you and let them know you think it will speak to others as well, and with great effect. “You’re No Good” has been an absolute banger since Dee Dee Warwick recorded it back in 1963. Linda Ronstadt had a No. 1 hit with it in 1975 and it has been a mainstay in the American songbook ever since. Its writer, Clint Ballard, Jr., was an El Paso native and UTEP grad with zero ex-wives. Hopefully the mailbox money from that song allowed him to live a happy, comfortable life until his death on December 23, 2008 – the same day the author of “You Lie” turned 44. “You Can Have Him (I Don’t Want Him)” was written by Russian-born American immigrant Irving Berlin for the 1949 musical Miss Liberty, a musical about a man searching for the model for the Statue of Liberty. Interestingly, Dee Dee Warwick’s sister Dionne had a modest hit with “You Can Have Him” in 1965. It went to No. 75 on the Billboard Hot 100. It’s a small world, isn’t it? Be careful who you nut-kick.
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This article appears in November 13 • 2026.
