LuvDoc,
I have a recurring dream where I am at a big rock festival – like ACL – and I have to use the restroom really badly, but all of the porta-potties are either in use, out of order, or overflowing. What does this mean?
– Antsy
Perhaps it’s your subconscious telling you to back off on the fiber. Like anyone else, I am a big fan of keeping the colon as clean as a whistle, but I also know that comes with a price. If they could, I’m sure everybody would slam a big bowl of quinoa and an avocado wheatgrass–flax seed smoothie for every meal, but practicality demands that you turn that raging torrent into something closer to a mud slump.
For that I recommend huge balls of white bread and piles of brisket – the drier the better. In fact, if you want to throw the shutoff valve down hard, you might want to avoid liquids altogether. OK, maybe a thimbleful of espresso every 10 hours or so, but don’t overdo it. That shit can seriously cut into your REM sleep. Then again, that might solve this dream situation, eh?
Of course, traditional dream interpreters would suggest that maybe there is something in your waking life that is causing you frustration – like the asshole who keeps yakking on his cell phone outside your cubicle, or that douchebag with the Lexus who always double parks at the Starbucks. That’s on you by the way. Tell the asshole to STFU … and why are you even near a Starbucks? Do you hate America? You might as well stomp on baby ducklings wearing golf cleats.
Consider also the possibility that in your waking life (I just had to pay Richard Linklater fifty cents to use that phrase, so drink it in) you are doing something that is normal and natural that you feel ashamed of – like masturbating … or smoking pot … or singing in your car. No shame in any of those, but I wouldn’t recommend doing all three at the same time – especially not while trying to update your Facebook status. People can be so judgmental.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? You’re a little bit worried that other people are going to see you poop … and more insanely still that they’re not going to approve of the way you poop or even that you’re pooping at all. That kind of insane paranoia carries over into everything you do … including your weird ass dreams. Reality check: You’re human. You’re also an animal. Animals don’t take their shit seriously. Why should you?
This article appears in April 12 • 2013.