Dear Luv Doc,
I have been going out with a guy I met through an old school friend since early March. He was exactly what I needed after ending a long, emotionally abusive relationship in late 2024. He has a lot of great qualities, and so far we haven’t had any really rough patches, but I don’t really connect with this guy emotionally like I have with other guys in the past. He’s not a huge texter and when we do text it’s mainly to plan getting together. We talk on the phone occasionally as well, but the conversations are mostly the same – logistical rather than just conversational. When we do get together it’s pleasant enough, but I have to admit that what little chemistry I felt with him initially has waned even more, and I have found myself avoiding him sometimes because I’m just not feeling it. This guy really does tick a lot of boxes, but I find myself growing less and less interested. I keep wondering if I’m the problem and that I expect too much from a relationship. I also worry that if I break it off with this guy I wil regret it later. Should I go ahead and end it, or try and work through my feelings of apathy?
– Gone Girl
It would truly be amazing if all relationships could maintain the all-consuming passion that often gets the ball rolling romantically. That shit is fire. Well, actually your clinical types prefer the term “limerence,” but to me, limerence sounds like a vocabulary word you have to memorize for a poetry quiz. It’s basically a fancy word for infatuation. Nobody likes infatuation – not just because it has “fat” in the middle, but because when you use infatuation to describe a relationship, it’s unavoidably insulting and dismissive. Hillbilly types and working-class rockers who don’t have a lot of syllables to burn simply use the term “fire.” That sums it up pretty nicely. Infatuated people are consumed in a blaze of emotion that, conveniently for those in search of a handy metaphor, will eventually burn out. As Conway and Lo-retty sang it, “There’s nothing cold as ashes after the fire is gone.” If I need to explain that any further, you should probably have done your homework before you moved to Texas.
Sure, the heart wants what it wants, but judging by the divorce rate, the heart doesn’t do a lot of high-level strategic thinking.
Here’s an interesting tidbit: There are cultures that don’t place a lot of emphasis on romance. They feel that love is something that will most likely evolve from a predefined social construct like marriage or from the enduring obligation of raising a family. They’re not entirely wrong. At least they’re not diving into a huge commitment based on an unreliable surge of dopamine to the mesolimbic pathway. Sure, the heart wants what it wants, but judging by the divorce rate, the heart doesn’t do a lot of high-level strategic thinking. Wait … what am I saying? The heart doesn’t do any thinking. It just pumps and flexes – like Schwarzenegger.
Look, I wouldn’t be the Luv Doc if I was always popping off about the ridiculous impracticality of romantic relationships. Are they messy and unreliable? Yes. Do they cause a lot of emotional anguish, discontentment, and sadness? Sure, but the stakes of true emotional involvement are always high – whether that happens in the first few torrid months or over the grinding course of a lifetime. It is my belief, however, that emotions are the secret sauce of life. Absent a super chatty God, emotions are what gives life meaning. I wouldn’t want to deny anyone their fair share of emotions – nor should you. That’s why if you’re not feeling it with this dude, the absolute best thing you can do for him and you is to break up. Sure, you might be wrong, and a few months down the road you might be hating yourself for messing up a really good thing, but it’s really shitty to indefinitely string along someone you’re not that into while you try to decide if your lack of feelings are due to some underlying psychosis you need to address. That’s why Jesus invented therapists. Break up with this dude and go find one.
Listen to The Luv Doc Podcast about this week’s Luv Doc column!This article appears in June 27 • 2025.
