Dear Luv Doc,
My roommate never thanks me for anything. I do all sorts of nice things for her and she never shows any gratitude. I take out the trash, nothing. Clean the bathroom. Nothing. Clean the living room, nothing. Last night I paid for pizza for her and her boyfriend and she didn’t thank me even though he did. I don’t understand it. How did she get to be this way? She’s not a bad person, but somehow she missed any etiquette training whatsoever. I don’t want to talk to her about it because I shouldn’t have to ask her to thank me. That would be ridiculous, right? Or should I actually say something?
– Always Underappreciated
There are probably a lot of reasons why certain people have an inability to show gratitude, and as far as I can tell, none of them are good. The worst reason – for me at least – is a deep-rooted sense of entitlement. That’s the one that makes me absolutely fucking insane. Whenever I encounter someone who behaves as if the natural order of the universe is to cater to their every whim, I sort of lose my shit internally and often as not externally, which never ends well.
Why? Because the fundamental nature of entitled people is that they have no sense of their sense of entitlement. You can actually sit them down and try to explain it to them and they will say you’re being overly dramatic, that their behavior is perfectly normal. I’ve heard things like, “It’s her job to make my latte,” or, “Nobody is forcing him to hold the door for me,” or my favorite, “That’s what I am paying them to do.” Yes, all of these things are true, but like many truths, they’re not the total picture, they’re just little pieces of it. Yes, it is her job to make your latte, but you should appreciate the fact that she made it well, in a reasonable amount of time, and ideally with a pleasant demeanor. We can carry that a few steps further: You can be grateful she didn’t secretly spit in it, throw it in your face, or come out from behind the counter and gouge out your eye with a rusty teaspoon because fuck you, you stuck up, entitled fucking asshole. Yes, I agree that may sound overly dramatic, but those are all actual possibilities.
Entitled people suffer from an insanely myopic belief things are exactly as they are supposed to be: Homeless people are homeless because they can’t get their shit together. Billionaires are billionaires because they are smarter and more hardworking than everyone else. Why should people feel grateful for things that they’re “supposed to” get? Right? The preceding question is often asked by a person who hasn’t lost an eye to a rusty spoon, and believe me, there are plenty of them. The world is full of two-eyed motherfuckers who believe the universe owes them two eyes. I know. The hubris. It’s definitely paying my therapist’s bills.
Then there are the people who simply assume the other person knows they’re grateful. I mean, c’mon, it’s obvious, right? We don’t need to cheapen our gratitude by verbalizing it, do we? Yeah, actually we kind of do. People who manage their interpersonal relationships by making assumptions about other people rather than actually communicating with them generally have astoundingly bad track records with relationships.
Then there are people who are so mired in their own thoughts they don’t even notice the thoughtful actions of others. Yeesh. Often these folks are genuinely depressed, psychotically narcissistic, or suffer from some neurodevelopmental disorder like Asperger’s. Generally these folks are easy to identify – especially if you’re living with them. Lack of gratitude is only one of many features you’ll be dealing with, but at least you have the comfort of knowing not to expect it. Truth be told, if you can reach that level of zen, it’s a good place to be.
So, if you generally consider your roommate to be a rational person, I say go for it. I mean, don’t tell her she’s an ungrateful bitch, but maybe say you’ve noticed that she doesn’t express gratitude even though you guess she might feel it. Then you can email her a thousand or so scientific studies that suggest that one of the biggest keys to a happy life is the regular expression of gratitude. Don’t expect her to thank you for it, but who knows, she may change her ways eventually, and that will be thanks enough, right?
This article appears in April 8 • 2022.
