Dear Luv Doc,
My wife has a really bad habit of starting fights right before we go to bed. I’ll be brushing my teeth and she’ll come into the bathroom looking really annoyed and say something like, “You left the kitchen cabinet door open again” or “You tracked mud on the carpet.” Sometimes we will be in bed and she will bring up something I said earlier in the day that upset her and say that she wants to talk about it right then. I have told her many times that I need my rest because I have to be at work early in the morning. Her job doesn’t start until 9. When she brings up this stuff she won’t let it drop and just keeps going over and over it. One time we were up until 1 in the morning arguing about whether or not I forgot to change the toilet paper roll. She gets me all riled up and then says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then I can’t get to sleep because my mind keeps going over the argument we just had. She doesn’t have a problem going to sleep afterward, but I’m tossing and turning the rest of the night. This doesn’t happen every night, but at least once or twice a month, and it really affects my mood. How do I get her to wait until the morning?
– Sleepless in South Austin
Did your wife used to work for the CIA? She seems to be well-trained in psychological warfare … and you seem to be losing the battle. Look, far be it from me to portray your wife as some sort of war criminal, but sleep deprivation is a violation of the Geneva Conventions. If, for some reason, you’re not familiar with the Geneva Conventions, they are a group of international treaties that set standards for humane treatment of combatants and non-combatant civilians. Now, it sort of goes without saying that considering the inhumanity of war in general, it’s a bit paradoxical – arguably insane? – to try to put that inhumanity in a box, so to speak, but any bit of humanity you can sneak into an inhumane situation – even on a technicality – is a win for humanity in general, right? No rabbit punches, no low blows, no hitting after the bell – that sort of thing. Wouldn’t be cricket. As an example: The International Criminal Court has issued arrest warrants for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu and former Defense Minister Yoav Gallant for war crimes and crimes against humanity – things like bombing schools and hospitals, depriving civilians of essential resources like food and medicine, and attacks on civilians – some real low-blow kinda bullshit that has left many Americans feeling like we’re financing a genocide. Unfortunately, after the unnecessary bloodbath in Iraq, America is going to have a hard time claiming any moral high ground, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon the climb altogether. A good first step would be maybe cutting off the financial blood supply we’re pumping into the Frankenstein we created in Israel. Maybe we can influence them to adopt a strategy that’s not so war-crimey.
Any bit of humanity you can sneak into an inhumane situation – even on a technicality – is a win for humanity in general
Wow, that was a bit of a side track. Maybe it’s me that’s sleep deprived. I’m guessing you’re probably wondering: Am I calling your wife a monster? No, not necessarily – especially since I don’t have intel on whether she used to work in intel, but yeah, starting bedtime arguments is definitely a rabbit punch if not an actual low blow. That said, it wouldn’t be prudent to start a lot of finger-pointing unless you’re absolutely sure you’re not part of the problem. I know it’s really tempting to discount your wife’s grievances solely based on the hour at which they’re lodged, but speaking as a person who has been left with an empty roll of toilet paper: That dog won’t hunt. That cardboard spool isn’t conducive to proper hygiene, and even if you were somehow able to employ it as a cleanup apparatus, where are you going to put it? It’s just wrong. Similarly, I have smacked my head on an open kitchen cabinet and it smarts – even while making you feel stupid. Mud on the carpet? Sure, you can probably do better. Get on that, but at the same time you might want to call a post-dinner, pre-bedtime sit-down to discuss what you’re willing to discuss at bedtime. Night fights never end well and they inevitably run long. Sure, maybe they’re unavoidable every decade or so, but they shouldn’t happen on the regular. In fact, arguments in general shouldn’t happen on the regular. If they do, you need to take it to an adjudicating body. Maybe not the ICC, but certainly a qualified couples counselor.
Listen to The Luv Doc Podcast about this week’s Luv Doc column!This article appears in August 15 • 2025.
