The Luv Doc: Mother’s Approval

Dear Luv Doc,

My mom hates my girlfriend. Maybe hate is too strong of a word, but she definitely doesn’t like her and thinks I can do better. She loved my last girlfriend because she was all bubbly and superficial and could make anyone like her. There was only one problem with her: She cheated on me numerous times. My mom doesn’t know that and I don’t want her to know. The crazy thing is my (current) girlfriend is really awesome. She’s well-read, intelligent, adventurous, fun to be around, and seriously drop-dead gorgeous. I feel so lucky to have met her right after having such a terrible relationship. You would think my mom would be happy, but no, she complains that my girlfriend doesn’t smile enough and that she dresses “too casually.” My dad, on the other hand, thinks she’s great and seems to be happy for me. So how do I get my mom on board? Or at least off my back?

– Mom Probs

I am going to assume that since you’re seeking advice from a worldly and sophisticated columnist like the Luv Doc, you’re a grown-ass man. Since you’re a grown-ass man I can also assume you don’t need your mother’s approval for anything – including who you choose to date. Would it be nice if your mom was on board? Sure, but several thousand years of history and romance literature seem to indicate that trying to influence someone’s choice of romantic partners almost always goes badly. The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes other hearts want what your heart doesn’t – at which point you need to smack yourself upside the head and realize that other people’s hearts are none of your damn business. With all due respect to your mom, trying to influence how other people feel about other people is a dick move.

Now, I know your mom might say, “I’m not trying to influence how he feels, I am just telling him how I feel.” No. Wrong, mom. You need to zip that shit up and store it somewhere where it can quietly decompose. Imagine if you were to constantly complain to your mom that your dad is a loser and that she should dump him for someone richer and better-looking. She might agree with you, but that still wouldn’t keep you from being an asshole. The only proper response for your mom if she’s not vibing with your girlfriend is to congratulate you on how happy she seems to make you, and even that is sliding toward passive aggression.

So, while I know this seems like it’s your problem, it’s really your mom’s problem. Sadly, sometimes we have to parent our parents. After all, parents are basically just kids saddled with the additional burden of cellulite, wrinkles, and discolored, incomprehensible tattoos. Sometimes we have to remind them that they are the parent. Ideally that means they are a cheerleader, motivational speaker and a ride-or-die homie who doesn’t expect to be invited to your parties. They also have to be truth tellers. It’s OK to give a hot take, but it’s not OK … and certainly not effective … for a parent to constantly criticize your romantic choices … even … drumroll please … if they’re right, which I think we can both agree is about as annoying as a parent can get.

In your case, however, that is not the case. You are clearly right and your mother is … let’s just call it misinformed. That situation is on you. Maybe I don’t have enough information to understand why you don’t want your mom to know your ex-girlfriend cheated on you (maybe it’s some sort of pride thing?), but I do know that is a very crucial piece of potentially game-changing information that might bring your mother around. Maybe consider letting her in on that secret. As judgmental as they can be, parents are almost always going to be on your side. Like any relationship, the more you hide things from them, the shittier that relationship is going to be. You’re better off just telling her the truth, and letting the cards fall how they may. She will appreciate it, and if she doesn’t, please refer to the second sentence of this column.

This article appears in July 19 • 2024.