Dear LuvDoc, My wife is always bitchin’ at me about something or other. She’s always saying I need to “fix this” or “do that” or asking me why I am doing something the way I’m doing it. It’s really getting on my nerves. What should I do? – Henpecked.
Dude, when are you going to get your shit together? You are clearly a monumental fuck-up. If you know women as well as I do, you know that they rarely, if ever, mention their partner’s mistakes or shortcomings unless they have been stewing about them a very, very long time – so long, in fact that to hold it in and keep their observations to themselves would cause an embolism or maybe even a complete nervous breakdown. In fact, your wife has probably endured your imbecilic, slovenly behavior since long before you were even married. Just think of how long she’s endured your incompetence. Imagine how she must feel – waking up day after day knowing that no matter how frustrated, angry, or aggravated she gets, her husband doesn’t ever change his behavior or recognize or apologize for her frustration and suffering. You probably think you’re some kind of hero for not lying around in your recliner all day sucking down beers, watching football, and rubbing your distended beer gut. Not so sport. You’re one pee stain on the bathroom tile away from the homeless shelter. Nonetheless Henpecked, because you feel victimized, I am going to give you some advice: Get your fucking shit together. Wake up at 5 in the morning every day. Clean the bathroom – yes, even around those nasty looking, pee-rusted bolts on the base of the toilet. Make your wife a huge breakfast. Wash the dishes, then go work out – so intensely that you have rock-hard six-pack abs like Mark Wahlberg in The Fighter. Get a very expensive haircut and buy some really nice suits. Go to work and earn an obscene amount of money – but don’t stay too long at your job. Hurry home by 5:30 and fix a delicious gourmet dinner for your wife. During dinner, listen intently as your wife talks about her day. After you’ve cleared the table and washed, dried, and put away the dishes, run her a hot bath and give her a soothing, full-body massage with beautifully scented moisturizing lotion. Make love to her for a minimum of two hours then spoon with her for the remainder of the night. Do that every day for 10 years and get back with me if that doesn’t solve your problem.
This article appears in September 21 • 2012.
