Dear Luv Doc,
I have this friend (let’s call him George) who was dating this woman (let’s call her Elaine). Recently, George ended the relationship for the second time! The first time didn’t stick. Apparently this is common. And George seems to think they can just be “friends,” like in a comedy TV series we have all seen. This isn’t a TV show, this is real life. I have been in a few relationships which ended and I was never “friends” with any of my exes. Sure, I ran into one at Oktoberfest with my wife and we were civil. Even hung out for a bit and had a beer. I mean it’s Oktoberfest and we were under a tent with an oompah band. Seemed appropriate. But I digress. I say my friend George should do a clean break and not try to be “friends” with his ex (who I failed to mention has some baggage. But don’t we all?) That way he is free and clear to try to find a better fit.
– Asking for a Friend
The last time I was under a tent with an oompah band at Oktoberfest, it was pre-COVID and some fellow in lederhosen announced from the stage that the Longhorns had won their game and a whole bunch of people who I didn’t know were Texas fans held up their hook ’em horns. In the moment, from the angle I was witnessing it from, it looked a lot like a Nazi rally, because all I could see was a bunch of white people with their arms extended at an unwholesome angle. I leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear, “Jesus! It looks like we’re at a Nazi rally.” She frowned at me, clearly puzzled, and shushed me. I thought she was maybe trying to hear the score of the game so I said it again, louder, and I held up my arm in a “sieg heil” manner to further illustrate my comparison. She slapped my arm down and snapped, “These people don’t know you’re joking.” Per usual, she was right. German Americans might have found it mildly humorous, but real Germans don’t play with that shit. Germans may not have much of a sense of humor in the first place, but they definitely have zero sense of humor when it comes to Nazi jokes. Anyway, other than that small incident, Oktoberfest was a gas!
Real Germans don’t play with that shit. They may not have much of a sense of humor in the first place, but they definitely have zero sense of humor when it comes to Nazi jokes.
OK, poor choice of words, but you get what I’m saying, right? Oktoberfest is a rollicking good time – especially if, unlike me, you don’t get an instinctual dry heave when you smell wheat-based beers. Some people get that with tequila, but I mostly get it with European wheat beers and basically anything brewed in Milwaukee. That’s not my fault. Do better Milwaukee. Now, if for some reason you are one of those unfortunate souls who have terrible taste in beer, perhaps we can agree to disagree and still be friends. I mean hell, I have plenty of friends who are Dallas Cowboys fans and I don’t go slapping Jerry Jones’ dick out of their mouths. Friendship, I think … or likely any relationship … comes down to what we are willing to forgive. I am unwilling to forgive Jerry Jones’ assholic response to the Colin Kaepernick affair. Even though the Cowboys are owned by a man who, in my most generous estimation, is a huge knucklehead, I am still willing to forgive my friends’ unholy allegiance to his team … wait … am I? Really? C.J. Stroud and the Houston Texans are literally two hours south. Fuck. I may not be able to sleep tonight.
Unlike all friendships, some marriages aren’t deeply influenced by football. Even still, divorces can get pretty ugly … OK, real ugly … but not all of them. Some people really do manage to stay friends with their exes. In fact, I would argue that for people with children, it’s a really good idea to be friends with your ex. I mean, if I can find space in my heart for Dallas Cowboys fans, surely they can work through whatever heinous shit tore them apart, right? I know it’s not always possible, but empathy and understanding are certainly honorable goals. Now, if your friend George is still currently pining for his ex, that’s another deal entirely. That’s something that absolutely calls for cold turkey. You know, like me and the Cowboys.
This article appears in September 26 • 2025.
