Dear Luv Doc,
My brother got divorced 10 years ago. After his divorce he moved to Houston, got remarried, and then died in a car accident in 2020. His ex-wife and his two sons live in Austin and I see them regularly and have since they were born. Earlier this year, the oldest nephew decided he wants to be called by his middle name, which is his mom’s family name. I was told that since he was named after my brother, making his middle name his mom’s maiden name was a way of honoring her family heritage. I get that, but his mom’s family name is really long and pretentious sounding as a first name. Also, my nephew just turned 16, so changing his name now also seems disrespectful to my dead brother. I talked to my sister-in-law about this and she says it’s his decision and that there is nothing she can do. I think she is also a little pleased with the fact that he has taken her name because her marriage with my brother didn’t end well. She could say something, but she is refusing. Am I wrong to be upset about this? – Mad Uncle
It’s understandable that you’re upset. Well, unless your brother was named “Hitler.” In that case, I think it’s safe to say that multigenerational mistakes were made naming-wise, and you should maybe ease back on the family pride throttle a bit. I bet, however, that your brother probably had a solid Gen-X name like Jason, or Joshua, or Jeremy – you know, the name of a guy who used to own a skateboard with tiny wheels, rode a BMX bike, maybe had a few too many tattoos, and probably a tour of Iraq under his belt – a guy who could quote Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics because, let’s face it, that was all the radio fed him for about a half a decade. No shame in that name, right? So what’s all the fuss?
What decision did you make when you were 15 that you’re proud of now? I don’t know about you, but I am coming up with a big goose egg.
I’m sure you loved your brother, so it’s unimaginable that his own son might not feel the same. It’s totally OK for you to be sad … upset … disappointed, but – and I can’t say this stridently enough – you have absolutely no say in the matter. He’s not your son. If he wants to go by “Kensington,” “Higginbotham,” or “Weatherford,” that’s his business. Sure, you can be disappointed, but I’m not sure what that’ll get you. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve disappointed an uncle, I could afford to stream “Under the Bridge” on Spotify until I blow my brains out. Fortunately, I think I’m smart enough to know I’d be better off putting that money into a down payment on a packet of Sour Patch Kids, because unlike real kids, Sour Patch Kids don’t disappoint.
Look, at this point it might be impossible to ensure that your nephew has warm, fuzzy thoughts about his dad, but acting cranky about his name change isn’t going to help that in any way. In fact, you will only end up creating distance and distrust. So, in this case, even though I can sympathize with your situation, I think it’s best for you to back off your sister-in-law and nephew and just take this loss so you’ll have a chance at a later win. Who knows? This name change might not even stick in the long run and you will have created a lot of stress for nothing.
Think about this: What decision did you make when you were 15 that you’re proud of now? I don’t know about you, but I am coming up with a big goose egg, and I even popped for the diamond stud earring at the Piercing Pagoda. I think your best course of action at this point is patience, love, and understanding. Your nephew still has some rough years ahead, and he is probably going to need a supportive uncle. I am sure more than anything that’s what your brother would want.
This article appears in February 2 • 2024.
