Dear Luv Doc,
Longtime reader, first-time advice seeker. Generally speaking, my wife and I have a wonderful marriage. But earlier this year, when we were eating pasta at home, she spontaneously placed a noodle on her eyebrow, which she thought was the funniest thing ever. I laughed, too… but then she did it a few days later in public. And she kept it on her eyebrow for exactly 23 minutes (I counted). Now it seems like anytime we eat out, there’s a 50% chance she’s going to order pasta and stick a noodle on her noggin. Why she thinks this is so funny (and appropriate) is a mystery to me. I’ve tried addressing it with her, but she just starts laughing at the very thought of the gag and the conversation goes nowhere. Am I wrong for feeling embarrassed? I know it’s nothing in the scheme of things… but this has me on pins and noodles.
Penne for Your Thoughts
I suggest you contact a divorce attorney immediately. I know the preceding might seem a bit impulsive, but considering the fact that I backed off my original idea of contacting an exorcist, I think I landed in the sweet spot advice-wise. Look, even in the best-case scenario – that being that your wife was as high as a bat’s balls every time she trotted out the pasta schlock – her obsession with absurdism seems to border on the psychotic. Most likely she is possessed by an actual demon. A 23-minute pasta gag argues strongly for the work of Satan. If nothing else, you could (and probably should) have Ubered home in that amount of time.
Pasta as a comedic device hasn’t been in vogue since the Revolutionary War. To be specific: I’m talking about the American Revolutionary War. Nearly 250 years ago. Back then, when Yankee Doodle put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni, he wasn’t actually referring to the pasta, but to a particular type of dandy who might be obsessed with continental European culture and cuisine, which happened to include exotic Italian pastas like macaroni. Those dudes were called macaroni because of their obsession with same – sort of like those “influencers” you see on Instagram obsessed with putting you onto the best pho. It’s the vapidity of it that’s humorous, not the actual noodles. At best, pasta is only adorable, like the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp. The first time your wife adhered pasta to her brow, it was probably adorable. I’m willing to allow that. Second time though? Yeah, maybe not. I think people would even lose patience with the Lady and the Tramp if they spent their entire meal sucking on opposite ends of each individual strand of spaghetti on the plate. Come on y’all. Figure it the fuck out. Evolve.
It’s also adorable when your wife is high as a bat’s balls every now and again, but having a spouse who is glazed 24-7 can be really annoying – unless, of course, you’re a full-time stoner yourself. If that’s the case, then you’re probably absolutely hilarious to each other and only slightly awkward to everyone else. It’s not unusual for stoners to giggle about ridiculous shit. People expect it, but it’s only tolerable up to a point.
You might get away with that shit in an Olive Garden, but if you’re in an authentic Italian restaurant and you start desecrating the pasta by incorporating it into lowbrow … or even highbrow (why does it have to be the brow at all?) comedy, you might just find yourself sleeping with fishes – or, more likely, enduring the hateful glare of your server. That glare is justified. Whether you appreciate it or not, somebody harvested that wheat, milled that flour, kneaded it, mixed it, extruded it, dried it, packaged it, cooked it, and plated it attractively for your nourishment and enjoyment, not to use as a comedic prop. Respect the goddamned effort.
I don’t have to point out the obvious, tragic irony that somewhere in the world there is someone who could really benefit from the nourishment they might derive from your wife’s pasta eyebrow. It’s not so funny now, is it? I’m sure you could explain all this to your wife, but it would probably be less messy just to call a divorce attorney. Whatever you choose, you have to live with the consequences. Oh, and as for “Penne for your thoughts?” I am going to pretend I didn’t read that.
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This article appears in October 30 • 2026.
