Dear Luv Doc,
I go to [the gym] 3-5 times a week to work out. Sometimes I go at lunch and when I do I usually take a shower afterwards so I don’t come back to the office all smelly. Until not too long ago, the showers at [my gym] didn’t have shower curtains, which was a bit awkward, but about six months ago they installed opaque plastic shower curtains, so now when I shower at least I don’t have to look up and see some weird dude staring at me while lathering his privates. Today I experienced a first when I came out of the shower and there was a guy leaning against the shower opposite mine, fully dressed in long pants, tennis shoes, and a hoodie, standing next to a full backpack, doing something intently on his cellphone. Luckily I already had my towel wrapped around my waist, but if I hadn’t, his cell phone would have been pointed straight at my crotch, Keep in mind, this wasn’t in the locker room, this was in the shower area. I got out of there as fast as I could because only a mentally ill person would think it’s OK to pull out a cellphone in a showering area even if they are doing something innocent. I see people regularly on their phones either texting or having conversations in the locker room area where guys are always walking around naked and I think, “What kind of person thinks this is OK?” There may be a bit of a gray area there, but the shower area should definitely be off-limits for phones, right? When I complained to the guy at the front desk, he shrugged his shoulders and said there isn’t much they can do. What? I can’t believe I am the only person who feels this way. I don’t want to change gyms, but I don’t want the staff to hate me because I went over their heads to report them. What should I do?
– Saved by the Towel
Because I have a bit of an allergy to getting sued by a bunch of muscleheads, I redacted the name of your gym. Weightlifters are a competitive lot, and while it’s not necessarily a given that your gym is owned by one or more of them, I don’t need to be fielding testosterone-fueled rage-filled voicemails claiming I don’t have my facts straight. I already know that. What I can say though, is that you are absolutely not the only person who feels that cellphones in locker rooms are poor etiquette. I got your back on that. Definitely.
If you don’t have the patience for “Tecumseh Valley,” maybe you shouldn’t be listening to Townes in the first place.
I would love to expound on locker room cellphone etiquette, but it doesn’t exist – nor should it. Whipping your phone out in the gym is bad enough, but I will allow that people like to program their own playlists. Not everyone gets inspired by listening to an endless loop of jock jams. And maybe at some point – like leg day when you’re doing hamstring curls – you’re not going to be feeling “Tecumseh Valley” like you thought you would when you were putting together your “Best of Townes Van Zandt” compilation, and you’re going to want to skip ahead to something peppier like “Waitin’ Around to Die.” Sure, you could try to manage that by tapping your earbuds, but if you’re not careful, you’ll end up looking like Leonardo DiCaprio in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I can’t believe I am actually saying this, but your safe bet is to actually pull out your cellphone and make use of that thousand-dollar touch screen. You better do it quickly though – like you’re trying to discreetly close down an embarrassing porn site – or people are going to peg you as sus. And they’re right; if you don’t have the patience for “Tecumseh Valley,” maybe you shouldn’t be listening to Townes in the first place.
As far as the locker room goes, the only reason you should ever have your phone out is to transfer it quickly into your locker. If you’re one of those people who take important business calls in the locker room, you should know that no one is impressed that you’re on an important business call. They’re only impressed by your level of douchiness. It’s a 10 out of 10. In fact, it saddens me that I even have to point that out. Pulling a phone out in an area where people are actively showering, though, is just absolutely psychotic. You were smart not to confront him. Anyone who pulls that shit should be Tased … or at the very least, gang-tackled by a bunch of roided-out power lifters. You were absolutely right to report him to the gym staff and it is absolutely indefensible they did nothing about it. I say take it to the top. Heads should roll – or at the very least, policies should be updated and clearly communicated.
This article appears in August 16 • 2024.
