Dear Luv Doc,
Reading your column about the guy who was upset about his girlfriend’s sexy Halloween costume reminded me of my husband. He can’t help himself from criticizing me all the time about everything. My shirt is the wrong color for my eyes. I should do my hair a different way. I’m putting on weight. I can’t cook. I’m a terrible driver … etc., etc. Oh, and he also didn’t like my Halloween costume this year because it made me look too frumpy (my daughter dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and I dressed as the Cowardly Lion). I bet he would have complained if I dressed like the sexy cowgirl. I know he is really just giving me a hard time, and I’m thick-skinned and can take his criticism, but it’s starting to rub off on my kids. They are not as bad as my husband but when they criticize me it really hurts my feelings. What can I do to get them (and him) to be nicer to me? – Frumpy Lioness
OK, bad news. I did a whole bunch of Googling on “how to divorce your kids” and it looks like that isn’t going to be a viable legal option, little shits though they may be – oh, and by “little shits” I am of course talking about lawyers, not your angelic offspring. Here’s the deal: I don’t have a vagina, but I am pretty sure that if I squeezed even a modestly sized baby – like a tiny, two-packs-a-day-smoker baby – out of it, I would demand a lifetime of hushed reverence from that child. Yes … hushed reverence, because do we really need to hear from children until they have a few advanced degrees? Probably not.
That’s just the beginning too. Unless you can afford a high-dollar, 24-hour child care professional, most likely you’re going to have to attempt to safely usher your kids through their perilous, monosyllabic toddler years without letting them fall down a flight of stairs, put out their eye with a flaming-hot roast marshmallow skewer, or get mauled by the neighbor’s fun-loving German shepherd. If you successfully run that gauntlet and your child still feels entitled to express its discontent with any part of your humanhood, you should absolutely be able to divorce it – just like an overly critical husband. I’m pretty sure even Jesus would back me up on this, and let’s be honest: If anybody has an axe to grind with bad parenting, it’s J-Dawg, right? I would be surprised if child divorce isn’t addressed specifically somewhere in the scriptures, but you know who wrote the scriptures? Somebody’s ungrateful fucking kids, that’s who.
That said, before I get an avalanche of hate mail from shadetree behavioral psychologists, I should probably cut to the chase: Your kids ain’t the problem. Your husband isn’t the whole problem either, but he is a strong contributor – like, “MJ dropping 63 in the 1986 NBA playoffs” strong. No, if you’re looking to throw somebody under a bus, start with yourself. Wait, let me rephrase that. I am in no way suggesting you attempt a messy public suicide, but rather that you take responsibility for the evolution of your problem.
Look, I realize that insults and criticism, when delivered in a humorous and sarcastic way, can actually be some people’s love language – sort of like Mark Wahlberg and Alec Baldwin in The Departed, but truly skillful ballbusting takes years if not decades of practice and refinement and even then, if the recipient hasn’t been raised in an environment where it’s commonplace, it can be quite hurtful. The point is that even if you suspect your husband is “just giving you a hard time,” he needs to knock that shit off because it is causing you emotional damage and making your kids – and I don’t have a nicer way to say this – into little lawyers. So, Frumpy Lioness, I am going to play the Wizard here and give you the gift of courage. Next time your children or husband criticize you in any way, let them know you are no longer accepting criticism, only compliments. Negativity is poison. Don’t let it kill your family.
This article appears in November 18 • 2022.
