Dear Luv Doc,
Me and my boyfriend of 11 years got into a fight last Saturday about who should buy his mom’s birthday gift. Her 75th birthday is coming up and traditionally I have always been the one to get her birthday gift, but I think this year is different. He usually signs whatever card I get and I of course say it’s from both of us. But this year, since she is turning 75 I thought it would be nice if he got her something really nice/personal that came from him. He said (like he always does) that he is bad at buying gifts and doesn’t even know what his mom would want anyway. I told him he should ask her or maybe one of his sisters. He actually got angry and accused me of trying to make him look bad to his sisters. It’s crazy. Should I give in and get her something like I always do, or should I insist that he do something thoughtful just this once?
– Not Feeling Generous
Hold up here … your boyfriend of 11 years? How is that even a thing? Y’all just into paying extra taxes? Does he not want to gift you a wedding ring because he wouldn’t even know what to get? I’m pretty sure once you cross the decade threshold you’re not allowed to use the term “boyfriend.” Maybe “commitment-phobe,” or “guy who absolutely refuses to marry me,” or perhaps DCCB: “Deeply Committed Cock-Blocker.” But boyfriend? That kind of implies that at some point in the future (again, that future being less than a decade) if neither of y’all find a better alternative, you will at least concede that you’re not still trying to act like you’re single. I’m not suggesting a big church wedding. Maybe just get some sort of online certificate and then change your Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Shit, you might as well do the Facebook status right now.
OK, now that I’ve gotten that awkwardness off my chest … wait, so have you been to like two high school reunions with the same boyfriend? And I’m the only one who has brought this up? Oh yeah, this gift-giving situation is the crazy part. Let’s focus on that. “Honey? You remember how for the last decade I bought your mom a birthday present and we weren’t even related?” I know this might sound crazy, but I don’t feel like I should waste any time addressing this whole gift-giving deal without addressing the real elephant in the room. I could see having some doubt at like … you know … years 1, 3, 5, and 7, but year 10? How long does he take at Baskin Robbins? I swear to fucking God if this guy asks for one more tiny plastic sample spoon of Butter Brickle I am going to throw him through a plate glass window.
Sorry about that. I had to go outside and do some breathwork. Let’s get back to the gift buying thing, shall we? I feel almost certain that if we pick at this scab long enough we will uncover a much deeper malaise. For instance: Does your DCCB have selection crisis? He might also suffer from Analysis Paralysis, Decision Fatigue, Situational Crisis, or … EGAD! Egregious Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Actually, I added that “egregious” part myself, but GAD is a real thing … or at least so I am told. I don’t like to admit that your DCCB might have an actual disorder, but I suppose we should keep an open mind. I know he’s causing me anxiety at the very least.
All that said, your suggestion that your DCCB actually ask his mom what she might want for her 75th birthday is a splendid idea. Communication saves so much time. Sure, he could just buy her a BMX bike and hope for the best, but training for the X Games may not be how she wants to spend her remaining golden years. Asking his sisters isn’t a terrible idea either, but he might end up in a bad game of telephone. Either way, he should get in some reps on making choices and dealing with the consequences – ideally like an adult – which he surely has to be unless you two started hooking up when you were in kindergarten. Don’t give in, just send him some links to expensive wedding rings and don’t explain why.
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This article appears in December 12 • 2025.
