Dear Luv Doc,
I am 68 years of age. Considered attractive and physically fit. Men are not at all civil. They seem to think dating is to grab ass or breast. This is all age groups 40 and up. Where do I find men with morals and manners? By the way I love people and am highly intelligent. Any clues??? This is getting a bit old. However I do not show my age and people love me because I am funny and kind.
– A Bit Old
I myself find men just barely tolerable in most instances, but I am pretty sure most of the men I know aren’t gratuitous ass or breast grabbers. In fact, grabbing anything – anatomical or not – is a dick move. Nobody likes a grabber. Well, OK, to be fair, roughly half of America liked a grabber in 2016, but hopefully that number is shrinking. Your dating pool seems to be the locker room at Mar-a-Lago. That’s quite an achievement for someone who lives in Austin. We don’t have a lot of MAGA types inside the loop, although to be fair, I haven’t exactly been rubbing elbows with those new condo dwellers Downtown. I’m sure people actually live in those money sponges, but I haven’t met any of them except Ron White, and he said he doesn’t actually live in his condo because he’s always on the road doing stand-up – probably trying to pay for that goddamn condo. I know it seems like I’m name-dropping and I absolutely am, but Ron is legitimately the only person I’ve talked to who cops to owning a Downtown condo, and I am pretty sure he just owns it as a joke.
I think it’s safe to say that if you’re in a part of Austin where someone feels comfortable wearing a MAGA hat or gratuitously grabbing T&A, you’re not really in Austin. Chin up Barton Creek, Rob Roy, and West Lake, at least you’re Austin-adjacent. The same could be said for everyone who has shoreline property upriver from Tom Miller Dam. Apologies for smearing you with the same bone broth, but your neighbors include luminaries like Alex Jones and Joe Rogan. Enjoy the spectacular Hill Country views, cedar pollen, lack of bus service/decent breakfast tacos, but you don’t live in Austin. Maybe you could rename your suburb Roganville … or Jonestown? Also, thoughts and prayers for the folks in the Jonestown out near Volente. Jonestown has been a problematic name since November 1978, so kudos to sticking to your guns. At least you don’t try to claim you live in Austin.
OK, sorry for the geographical digression, but I am truly intrigued as to where you’re meeting all these post-middle-aged butt and boob grabbers. How is it possible that someone with that amount of life experience hasn’t yet caught wind of the #MeToo movement? I mean, Jesus, even Joe Rogan knows about #MeToo. He calls it “modern-day McCarthyism” and a “witch hunt,” but at least he’s aware of its existence. Also, in case you’re wondering, as a comedian and a human being, Rogan has never been known for his refined sense of irony. He’s no fucking Ron White, that’s for sure.
So … where to find men with morals and manners? Well for one, I’d stay east of Tom Miller Dam if I were you. I would also avoid any place near the Capitol, Unbarlievable, large swaths of Dirty/West Sixth, Rainey, and pretty much any place where the doorman is also a hawker. I am not saying there aren’t some moraled and mannered gentlemen therein, I’m just saying needle/haystack. Who has that kind of time? I might even suggest church, but I think we both know that demo was instrumental in electing the recently indicted “blonde” stable genius ex-prez – aka Grabby McGrabberson.
That said, there are plenty of friendly, safe bars all over Austin where you can meet older gents: Continental Club, Parker Jazz, Donn’s Depot, Sam’s Town Point, Sagebrush, Saxon, One-2-One, Elephant Room, Little Longhorn Saloon, Shenanigans … but you might have better luck taking a yoga, cooking, painting, or dancing class, because most men are just a tad douchey when they’ve been drinking. Regardless of the venue, your safest bet when dating is to clearly communicate your expectations upfront. There will still be unwelcome surprises, just fewer. As I’m sure you’re aware, old men are just young men in old men’s bodies.
This article appears in April 14 • 2023.
