Dear Luv Doc,
I’m recently single after 10 years of being monogamous. How shall I go about getting my groove on?
– BackintheGame
Ten years? Sweet Jesus, that is a long stretch to go grooveless. What have you been doing all that time? Have you been in cryo-sleep? Solitary confinement? Is your name Rip Van Winkle … or maybe Snow White? Did you take a vow of groovelessness in your last relationship?
I know I am a day late and a dollar short here, but I would have counseled strongly against that. Look at yourself: A decade later and you probably have no moves at all. You’re just that sad bastard out there on the dance floor in a Lifehouse T-shirt doing the broken-armed robot. In the club scene that’s about as close as you can possibly get to actual self-immolation – although maybe a little bit tougher to watch.
So let me get this straight: For 10 years you eschewed all forms of social interaction in order to maintain a monogamous relationship? I would have broken up with you my own damn self. Lookit: Being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you have to strap on some sort of social chastity belt. In fact, any partner who expects something like that is exactly the type of fucking idiot you shouldn’t waste 10 years of your life on. No one should have to live their life subjugated to the fears or prejudices of someone else – even someone they are fucking. I am not saying it doesn’t happen regularly all over the world on an interpersonal and even societal level, I am just saying it’s a messed up way to live. It’s something we really need to work on to evolve as human beings.
Of course, there is also the possibility that your groovelessness is self-imposed. Ain’t no shame in that lame. Maybe you’re the type of person who doesn’t normally groove at all. Maybe the last 10 years have been a welcome respite from all the ass shaking, orgasm faking, and heart breaking that goes into the search for a soul mate. If that’s the case, you were doing it all wrong in the first place. You don’t need to get your groove on; you need to accept the fact that you aren’t into grooving.
So how do you get your groove on? I suggest that you follow your heart and your passions into the real world and see where they take you. If you have a groove at all, that is where you’ll most likely find it, and it has nothing to do with monogamy.
This article appears in July 10 • 2015.
