Dear Luv Doc,
I’ve always said I have a curse when it comes to love and relationships: I am the girl a guy has a passionate affair with before he meets the love of his life. I’m like a catalyst for other people’s happiness. This curse has shadowed my life and, I’m sure, tainted my attitude when meeting new men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally open to love and maybe even a little irritated with my situation at this seeming late-to-the-game point in my life. I see friends that have easily found compatibility and have moved toward the next stage in relationships and life. I want that for myself. So, Dr. Luv, is my prescribed expectation of failure reading to others as: desperate for love, standoffish and bitchy, or delusional and uptight? Feel free to select all of the above.
– Frozen in Time
His Magnificence Willie Nelson says that when you replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, you will start achieving positive results. He also says that if you’re not crazy, there’s something wrong with you. I think that covers everything. If Willie’s right, then he’s right, and if he’s wrong it’s only because he’s crazy, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Sounds exactly like something a crazy person would say, right? That’s why everybody loves Willie.
If you don’t love Willie, you’re crazy, but if you weren’t crazy, there would be something wrong with you. OK, now my head hurts. THANKS, Willie. Regarding your relationship situation, however, I think you may be misinterpreting the external data. First of all, you just said you are the catalyst for other people’s happiness. That is not a curse, it’s a blessing. In fact, I can think of no greater accomplishment in life.
Nonetheless, you still feel like your glass is half empty. That’s not uncommon, but it’s definitely unhealthy. If I may recklessly paraphrase His Holiness Dub Nelly again, “If you can be happy now, you will always be happy because it’s always now.” You seem to be a little bit hung up on timelines and benchmarks and whatnot, but no matter what bullshit framework society tries to lay on you, you have the right to take things at your own pace and do them in your own way.
Life is not a game, and once you’re a fully enfranchised adult, there are no stages. It’s just one deliriously happy … or incredibly sad … or numbingly mediocre luge ride to the crypt depending on how you spin it. For the most part, we get to choose how we spin it. Make a conscious effort to pick the spin you want. Truth is, we are all desperate for love. Every single one of us. The more of it you give, the more of it you get. And now, if I may quote Dub Nelly one last time: “99% of the world’s lovers are not with their first choice. That’s what makes the jukebox play.” That doesn’t sound like a curse to me. That sounds like opportunity.
This article appears in June 24 • 2016.
