Dear Luv Doc,
I know I am not alone in this, because I have had lots of other women tell me similar stories, but sometimes I think my husband is the worst. He literally can’t remember anything … birthdays – including his own family – appointments, work events, names, where he left his keys, what day it is, how much gas he has in his car, whether he brushed his teeth this morning, or remembered to flush the toilet. Luckily he has me around to constantly remind him, but it gets really exhausting sometimes. Tuesday I had an ophthalmologist appointment that I have been telling him about for weeks. I needed him to drive me because I was going to have my eyes dilated. Tuesday morning before work I asked him what time he was going to be at my office to pick me up and he looked at me like I was speaking gibberish. I asked him if he had put the appointment on his calendar, and he was quiet for a second before saying, “I don’t think you told me about it.” I lost my temper. I yelled, “Are you f***ing kidding me? I have been reminding you for the last two weeks!” Then he had the nerve to tell me it upsets him when I “overreact” to things. I told him that since he is such an unreliable child I would take an Uber … and I did. No regrets. I refuse to believe that all men are this bad. Did I somehow get the worst? How do I get his long-term memory to start functioning again? He couldn’t have been this helpless before he met me. Is there a little blue pill he can take?
– The Woman My Husband Doesn’t Remember
It’s true guys can be forgetful, but I think I would be doing you a disservice to say that forgetfulness is a guy thing in general. People forget things for all kind of reasons, but the big ones are pretty consistent: Stress, Lack of sleep, depression, alcohol use, sleep apnea, hyperthyroidism, vitamin B12 deficiency, and, of course, head trauma. It kind of goes without saying that people don’t get enough sleep in general, but especially people who are overly stressed, depressed, or have sleep apnea. In fact, when somebody has bad enough sleep apnea, ain’t nobody getting enough sleep. I bet I am not the only person who has personal experience with someone who has sleep apnea that’s been greatly exacerbated by alcohol consumption.
There have been more than a few occasions on camping trips when my peaceful slumber has been interrupted in the wee hours by the ear-splitting rattle of a drunken snorer who was too lazy to pitch their tent at a sufficiently respectful distance from other campers – like in another campground entirely. Imma be honest: My charity and forbearance after 3am is pretty low – especially if I myself have been drinking, often to render myself unconscious enough to not be awoken by some other camper’s overactive soft tissue. How many times have I been this close to sneaking into a complete stranger’s tent and Breathe-Right-stripping that motherfucker in his sleep? Plenty. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if snoring wasn’t the original cause of blunt force head trauma. Everything is interconnected.
Now, there may be some who read your missive and decided that your husband doesn’t have a memory problem at all. He’s just been mollycoddled. Possibly. I’m not going to rule that out. Everyone knows that an unused muscle will eventually atrophy. I’m sure that holds true for the hippocampus as well, but let’s just assume, for the moment, that your husband has something more serious going on with his noodle – something of an actual medical nature. You would probably be shocked how many people have been hit in the head by baseball bats, two-by-fours, metal pipes and whatnot – and that’s just here at the Chronicle. Who knows the incidence in the general population? Well, probably the NIH, but they’re 86’d thanks to the Head Injury currently occupying the Oval Office. What I am saying is, your husband’s situation seems profound enough to warrant a visit to the neurologist. For all we know he night have worked at the Chronicle. If everything checks out, then you’re left with the disturbing possibility that he just isn’t paying attention – to you – or to much of anything else, which begs the question: What does he pay attention to and remember? And why? If you can answer those questions, that will be a great start to get him to remember other things as well – like flushing the toilet, because damn.
This article appears in February 28 • 2025.
