Dear Luv Doc,
I have come to accept the fact that somehow every other car on the road in Austin seems to be a Tesla, but I still can’t figure out why with all that fancy new technology their turn signals don’t seem to work any better than anyone else’s. You would think Elon Musk could design a turn signal that kicks in at least halfway through a last-minute multiple-lane change but I guess he’s too busy ruining Twitter. That exact scenario happened twice to me yesterday on my commute – once by a Tesla and once by a Lexus SUV with Florida plates. Then, to finish off my drive, I got tailgated by an enormous four-wheel-drive pickup all the way down South Lamar in stop-and-go traffic. When I turned off on my street the driver was screaming something at me and giving me the finger. What? I was literally going as fast as I could go without tailgating the car in front of me. What happened to “Drive Friendly – The Texas Way?” Or is that gone … like functioning turn signals?
– Praying for a Subway
Look, I think I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: A Subway is only a viable solution if your only other choice is a convenience store hot dog that’s been on the rotisserie for so long it looks like a Slim Jim. Even then, once you’re a few bites into a Subway sandwich, the inexplicable, infuriating blandness makes you yearn for the flavor profile of a slow-cooked three-day-old sausage casing filled with – and this is probably the best scenario – pig rectums. If the ancient Israelites somehow stumbled into a Subway during the 39th year of their 40 years of desperate wilderness wanderings, it’s very likely that pig rectums would be kosher.
Oh crap. It occurs to me you may not be yearning for a sammich. We might live in the People’s Republic of Austin, but when people say the word “subway” in Texas, they’re usually not talking about underground mass transportation. More likely, they’re about to launch into a gloomy soliloquy about culinary regret that involves cold meats, hair nets, and comically loose-fitting plastic gloves. But underground mass transportation? What is this? New York? If Austin puts in an actual subway, the next thing you know people are going to want other fancy shit … you know … like solar panels. Where are we going to find enough sunlight for solar panels? We’re clearly living in the dark ages. Look who’s governor for christ’s sake.
You know what’s crazy though? A few months back there was a truck drilling core samples out in front of the Chronicle, so naturally I went out there to see if they were CIA, FBI, or some of those QAnon/Proud Boys nutjobs. You never know. It’s not like they’re always walking around in Viking helmets or draped in Confederate flags carrying assault rifles. Sometimes they’re just trying to fit in. That’s when they’re scariest. Anyway, I went out there to start a dialogue and it turns out these fellows were actually geologists drilling core samples to determine the feasibility of a subway system in Austin. Tha fuck? How could they not come up with a less suspicious alibi?
Now look, I know it sounds like I’m paranoid about the actual viability of functional and efficient public transportation, but after nearly 40 years of sitting in the splash zone of the conservative dunce scrum that is Texas politics, I find it hard to believe that Elon’s Boring phallus (it can penetrate anything – just ask Grimes!) is going to solve Austin’s transportation woes. That said, I think you’re onto something with that automatic turn signal idea. Ideally it would be something that’s hardwired into the driver’s prefrontal cortex. I know that might sound far-fetched, but we have to start using AI for something other than mediocre business school grad résumés.
As for the road-raging pickup driver on South Lamar, I think it’s just delightful that you allowed him to get in touch with his emotions, even if unintentionally. I can’t even imagine the frustration of owning an $80,000 premium work vehicle with heavy-duty suspension and a huge, gas-guzzling engine and having to suffer through stop-and-go traffic with all those rainbow-stickered hybrids. I know you might feel traumatized, but it might help to know that men are 5 times more likely to have a heart attack in the two hours following an angry episode, so keep driving friendly. You might just be thinning the herd.
This article appears in April 28 • 2023.
