Dear Luv Doc,
I think of myself as a nice, generous person. That’s one of the reasons that last fall during a tough time for our office (there were several people laid off unexpectedly) I started bringing donuts (doughnuts?) to our weekly staff meetings. People seemed appreciative so every Wednesday for the last nine months I have been getting up early so I can stop off and get donuts for my co-workers. Then last Tuesday I was working late in my cubicle and I overheard a conversation between two of my co-workers as they were walking out of the office where one said to the other, “Don’t stay out too late, remember we have the staff meeting tomorrow morning,” and the other one said, “Ugh, I know, and _____ will be bringing those cheap, disgusting donuts.” I am guessing/hoping they didn’t know I was still there, but it still hurt my feelings. I’m thinking I may not buy donuts anymore. Why should I spend my money (and time) on such, mean, ungrateful people? What do you think? Am I being too sensitive? – Cheap Donut Lady
I think it’s a universally agreed upon fact that donuts (doughnuts?) are a blessing and a curse – sort of like penises. In fact, being uncomfortably familiar with the male psyche as I am, I would say it’s a pretty decent bet that a penis had something to do with the reason donuts have holes. I’m not saying there isn’t probably some legitimate gastronomical benefit to be gained from putting a hole in a donut, I’m just saying that if a dude puts a hole in anything that didn’t have a hole in the first place, that hole is sus. That is just one of the reasons why you should never eat a peach with a hole in it that’s been left on a nightstand – even if you’re trying to seduce Timothée Chalamet.
The real reason that donuts are a blessing and a curse is that the first donut is almost always delicious and satisfying – even those waxy chocolate ones you get at convenience stores – but if you overindulge, you inevitably spiral into depression and self-loathing. I’m pretty sure that’s why Catholics always serve donuts after Mass. They’re little culinary allegories about the wages of sin – specifically gluttony. Then again, Catholics are frugal about everything except costuming and architecture, so the donut thing might be purely a budgetary decision. As semi-desirable foodstuffs go, donuts offer a considerable bang for the buck, and I am not even talking about the penis angle, even though “celibate” priests buying cheap pastries with holes in them is … well … sus.
I feel your pain though. I, too, was once a buyer of donuts – a fellow who considered himself a nice, generous person. Then one day after several months of selfless donut purchasing I was pulled aside by one of my beneficiaries who earnestly and gracefully suggested that, for the benefit of everyone involved, I should start investing in breakfast tacos. I am not sure if that brave soul is president yet, but he ought to be. That took a considerable amount of political finesse. I hear the governor is looking for a new attorney general. Ball’s in your court, Greg. Hit me up if you need his number.
Now that I’ve dragged you through the preceding cesspool of gratuitous prose, I feel I owe it to you to weigh in on your situation. I get it. You’re hurt, and oftentimes hurt people want to hurt people, but ending your donut-buying beneficence is only going to benefit your beneficiaries. If you stop now, they’re just going to get healthier, probably lose a few pounds, and feel less depressed overall. How is that going to help you exact your revenge? No, by all means you should continue your modest contribution to their overall decline in health. You’re not just giving them donuts, you’re giving them diabetes, cardiovascular issues, obesity, dementia … Yo, that shit is Machiavellian … and all the while you’re looking like the hero. I wouldn’t get too upset about the conversation you overheard either. People can be extra mean when they think no one’s listening. I’m pretty sure that’s how we ended up with religion. Jesus would probably tell you to forgive them, but a priest would tell you to keep buying them donuts. In the end, you should do whatever makes you feel like a nice, generous person.
This article appears in June 2 • 2023.
