The Luv Doc: Dog Poop Vigil

Dear Luv Doc,

My wife and I had a disagreement after I caught one of our neighbors letting her dog poop on our lawn. This has been going on for a while because whenever I mow the front lawn I have to dodge dog poop in one particular corner. Until a few days ago, I didn’t know who the culprit was, but I made a run to H-E-B on Wednesday and as I was pulling in the driveway behind our house, I could see one of our neighbors from down the street letting her dog poop in our front yard. She was looking the other direction and staring at her phone and I thought, “I bet she isn’t going to pick it up.” After a couple of trips carrying in groceries from the car, I went to the front yard to check, and sure enough … fresh pile of poop. I told my wife that the next time I see dog poop on our lawn, I am going to scoop it up and leave it on this woman’s porch. My wife said, “So you’re going to keep some sort of dog poop vigil so that you can do a teen prank? That sounds like a good use of your time.” I said, “Oh, so you think I am overreacting about people letting their dogs shit in our yard?” She said, “Yeah, a little bit, Deputy Dogshit.” I called her something much worse and we haven’t been speaking much since. Tell me Luv Doc … do you think I am overreacting? 

– Deputy Dogshit

No, not in the least, Deputy Dogshit. If anything, you’re underreacting. If this woman pulled this kind of stunt in the Philippines she would be caned to death – at least that’s what I am betting Grok would say if I hated America enough to use it. Regardless of the questionable opinion of a questionable AI, make no mistake: This woman is a pernicious plague on humanity. I am not just saying that because she would rather look at her phone than actively engage in quality time with her pet. No sir. Plenty of red-blooded Americans do that with their own children, but … and this is a very important point: Rarely do they let their children shit on your lawn.

However, a dog on a leash is pretty much a huge, flashing billboard that says, “some shit ’bout to go down” which is why responsible dog owners always tie not one, but two or three shitbags to their leash, because dogs, like advice columnists, can sometimes be overly prolific. A toddler on a leash … at the very worst …  is just some lazy helicopter parenting, but I get it. Nobody wants to get outrun by an energetic 3-year-old – certainly not in an urban environment. Plus, the chances of lawn shitting are comfortably remote. A cat on a leash? There is no surer sign that one or both ends of that leash is attached to a mammal with mental issues. It’s probably best to go inside and hope that storm passes. A dog on a leash, however,  will produce one of three predictable outcomes: 1) A sniff  2) A piss 3) A poop. So, the mere act of looking at your phone while holding a leashed dog is mad sus. It’s a blatantly obvious confession that you’re trying to pretend you don’t know what’s clearly about to happen … or … that you are walking a dog for the very first time in your life but also somehow manage to own a smartphone. It just doesn’t add up. Somebody should leave fresh dogshit on your porch for having the gall to conduct such a blatantly obvious charade.

All that said, your wife is clearly a keeper. “Yeah, a little bit, Deputy Dogshit” is – if I may – one of the finest off-the-cuff ripostes I’ve ever heard, as is “dog poop vigil.” You married well. That is some Faulkner/Eminem-level improvisational wordsmithing. Don’t mess it up by fuming about getting pwned by your better half. I would say the proper response would be some sort of steak dinner/award ceremony. Greatness should be celebrated. I personally believe it’s possible to appreciate your wife’s wit and still stay bitter, resentful, and childish enough to leave dogshit on your neighbor’s porch.

This article appears in June 19 • 2026.