Dear Luv Doc,
My girlfriend and I only see each other on weekends because of our busy work schedules. When we get together, and I induce foreplay, she is so horny from a week with no sex, she gushes like a firehose. It did not bother me when we were at her place, but, for some reason, the giant wet spot puddle on my bed bothers me. What can I do to get over it?
– Splash Fountain
Outstanding, Splash Fountain! You are clearly doing the work of the Lord. There is nothing sadder than a squirter who doesn’t squirt. (If I may throw in a brief editorial aside here, I would recommend against any sexually inhibited Chronicle readers naively doing a Google image search using the term “squirter who doesn’t squirt” in hopes of finding a sad-faced woman. If you need a visual, just think of Droopy Dog with a little dust poof coming out of his vaginal area.)
As pro athletes are always fond of saying, when God blesses you with a talent, it is a sin to waste it. You sir, with your whole foreplay induction technique (would it be shameful of me to ask for a schematic?) have obviously figured out how to open up an unprecedented ejaculatory deluge. I understand that your use of the term “firehose” might be hyperbolic, but my mind can’t shake the image of being pinned against a wall by a powerful stream of … well … it’s definitely not pee … OK, maybe a little.
It is my sincere hope that others will find your missive as inspirational as I do. Just imagine how many Captain Ahabs are out there right now, scouring the seas for their own white whales, and here you’ve actually beached one and now you’re complaining about the puddle? I am a little bit embarrassed for you, frankly, and I think I speak for all mankind (present Republican presidential administration excluded) when I say that you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth, dude. It’s a free horse. It doesn’t need teeth – and in this case you probably wouldn’t want it to even if it did.
Nonetheless, if you’re hellbent on stanching the merciful flow of the godhead, I have a solution. Hold on to your seat here because you may be overwhelmed with its awesome simplicity. Ready? OK. Here it is: You need to work less and have more sex. Otherwise, why are you even working?
This article appears in March 3 • 2017.
