Dear Luv Doc,
I moved to Austin in January and joined a rec sports league to try and stay in shape and meet people. I have accomplished part of this objective in that I have met the people on my particular team, but they are mostly married with children or pets and don’t seem to have many other interests outside of this sport, so we end up sitting around drinking at the sports complex because no one wants to spend money or time at a bar. We are often there for an hour or more after our games, win or lose, which basically negates any health benefits I might have gotten from the exercise. I hate running, and really I hate exercising in general. I would much prefer to play a team sport to stay in shape, but is that possible to do without getting a huge beer gut? – Uncle Rico
No, it is not. What I mean is that, at least on a rec level, it’s not really possible to stay in shape only by engaging in team sport – even if you’re that asshole who doesn’t hang around for post-game beers. Maybe there is some rec sport team/league unbeknownst to me that somehow manages to bang out 150 minutes of cardio in a given week, but most rec sports leagues I know of only manage to get in a couple of games per week – excluding bowling of course. Bowlers get in plenty of games, but somehow manage the highest per capita beer bellies of any sport – also the most orthopedic devices. Yes, even more than softball, although that seems impossible.
Now, I know there are plenty of people who will try to say that bowling is not an actual sport. I say that’s nonsense. Bowling is every bit as much a sport as hunting or fishing, and it involves way less drinking. You never hear much about hunting or fishing teams though – probably because when you’re sport drinking with weapons, it’s best not to ask too many people to the party. Just ask Harry Whittington … oh wait … you can’t.
He died at age 95 in February of this year – rather amazingly from complications related to a fall and not from the 30 shotgun pellets still remaining in his body from being blasted in the face by a shotgun-wielding Deadeye Dick Cheney in 2006. He was 78 years old at the time – Whittington that is, not Cheney. I don’t know how old Cheney was, but certainly old enough to know better. I’ve clearly gotten a bit off topic here, but if anything useful can be gleaned from this digression it’s that you shouldn’t let yourself get pressured into inviting someone with two drunk driving convictions to a quail hunt. Bowling? Sure. If you get fragged by a drunk bowler chances are you passed out in someone else’s lane.
OK, I need to bring this baby home so here’s my hot and sweaty take on team rec sports and physical conditioning: The two can exist in the same universe but the former rarely begets the latter. Team rec sports take up a considerable amount of time and most of that time is spent doing nonathletic shit: driving, parking, arguing about strategy, waiting for that slowpoke to come out of the game, having to come out of the game so that slowpoke can play too, yelling at the beleaguered and underpaid ref, and yes, of course, the hours of obligatory post-game drinking. If you’re looking for six-pack abs in team rec sports, you’ll have to console yourself with the knowledge that they’re insulated by a luxurious layer of adipose tissue. Otherwise, do cardio for 30 minutes a day and maintain a nutritionally balanced caloric equilibrium. Y-A-W-N.
The good news is that you were right. Team rec sports are a great way to meet some new people in a new town. Nothing bonds people like engaging in an activity with a common purpose. I would enumerate countless other similar scenarios, but I blew up my word count prattling on about Deadeye Dick and Harry. I feel certain, however, that you can take this proverbial ball and run with it. Just don’t expect to get in shape doing it.
This article appears in May 5 • 2023.
