Dear Luv Doc,
I am one of the few people left in my friend group who hasn’t yet had children. We are all in our late 20s through early 30s, and we used to have a lot of fun together, but now, every time one of us has a party or we go out together, the parents all make lame excuses to go home early. They also only drink one or two beers, almost never smoke pot, and they’re really judgmental about those of us who do. It’s even worse when they bring their kids. I have gotten to where I don’t even want to go to anything where people are bringing kids. I might as well be going to church. I am not the only one who feels this way. My other childless friends in the group feel the same, but I am beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with all of us.
– Partydowner
Yes, there is something wrong with you, Partydowner. You are doing the work of the crucified Jesus. You are saving the planet. I don’t know how much more selfless you could be. Yes, God did say to Adam and Eve, “Go forth and multiply.” Of course, that was before Eve joined team serpent. After that, the general message from the Almighty has been to keep it in your tunic. That policy was an abysmal failure long before Nancy Reagan trotted it out again for the umpteenth time back in the Eighties.
Your friends are human, Partydowner. They probably had a big bowl of weed and a few too many shots of tequila and bada bing, bada bang, boughta baby! There are other methods for sure, but that’s the most common. People who give a lot of thought to having a baby are both adorable and hopelessly optimistic. And yes, the preceding perfectly describes the human race as a whole, but a few thousand years of evolutionary progress is no reason to get a big head. There’s probably a black hole or a huge asteroid with our name on it the next galaxy over.
Nonetheless, just because you fuck up and make one mistake … or two … or a reckless and irresponsible three doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take those mistakes seriously. People are relatively forgiving if your dog grows up to be an imbecile or an asshole, but God forbid you have an imbecile asshole child who becomes president.
Parenting is serious work for sure, and you don’t want to fuck it up. That said, there’s no reason to get all churchy about it, either. After all, nobody sniffs out the stank of hypocrisy better than children. There’s also some legal issues with children that can be a bit of a buzzkill. For instance, you can probably get away with blowing a bong hit into your dog’s mouth, but if you try that with a toddler you can bet your ass someone is calling CPS. So generally, parents try to keep a low profile – at least until they kind of get the hang of it. Once they figure out they’re allowed to be human again, watch out. You can only hold back insanity for so long.
This article appears in May 5 • 2017.
