LuvDoc,
What’s your take? Boxers or briefs?
– Pantsy
Pantsy, you are to be commended. It’s been a long time since someone dipped a bucket into the LuvDoc’s deep well of fashion knowledge. A lot of people don’t know this, but I’ve spent more time in Goodwills than most recovering alcoholics and meth addicts – usually trying to pad out my vintage 70s tux collection (damn you, hipsters!) or discover the next virally popular ironic tee. My bet is on Eskimo Joe’s, “Stillwater’s jumpin’ little juke joint.” I mean, who can resist that idiotically grinnin’ Inuit? More to the point, I feel like I have a pretty good feel for how clothes are made and how they fit – or don’t. While it’s true that physiologically I am in the meat of the bell curve, the really interesting clothes at Goodwill routinely aren’t, so I am keenly aware of what ill-fitting clothes feel like.
My personal philosophy with underwear is that there should be at least one piece of clothing on your body that doesn’t chafe. I know, easy for me to say since my pole-dancing ambitions have long been abandoned. Don’t get me wrong, I can still rock a smoldering Blue Steel, but that intense gaze is the hardest part of my getup these days, and La Bare works on too thin a margin to pop for air sickness bags. Therefore, I generally eschew G-strings, thongs, and all other forms of taint floss. That area really doesn’t ever benefit from a piece of fabric (absorbent or otherwise) making a regular commute back and forth between the sewage treatment facility and the amusement park.
Even still, much like my mother around suppertime, I like to keep my boys close to home. Austin is generally hot, and I don’t want them wandering down my inner thigh trying to strike up a game of Red Rover with my kneecaps. Thus, boxers no longer work for me and haven’t for a very long while. If I want my gonads to bounce around like the Bells of St. Mary’s, I can just go commando. Then again, I am not trying to sire a litter of dudes or bust convincing ghetto sag. One caveat with the briefs however: You got to keep that shit tight, yo. Once the elastic plays out and the cotton starts sagging like the headliner of a 1978 Pontiac Grand Prix, it’s time to shell out another tenner and keep it fresh. When it comes to underwear, keeping it fresh is the most important thing, boxers or briefs.
This article appears in May 10 • 2013.