Luv Doc,
Which condiment makes the best aphrodisiac?
– OBSeSSed
If this is something you’re losing sleep over, OBSeSSed, I am going to recommend you drink a tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce laced with about 5mg of Ambien. Why Worcestershire? Because even though it’s impossible to pronounce outside of Massachusetts and the West Midlands of England, that shit is wicked fun to spell, yo. Plus Worcestershire sauce has a really strong flavor that obliterates anything short of Vegemite. Once you work through the initial gag reflex, you’ll be on the express train to slumbertown. Hopefully being unconscious will keep you from obsessing about ways to drug people into fucking you. Even in their purest application, aphrodisiacs are a sketch way to score some strange. In fact, I feel a little bit creepy even answering this question, so, thanks, asshole.
Let me preface the information that follows by saying that there is no substance on earth definitively proven to guarantee a shag if taken or administered, so if you just dropped a grand on a gram of powdered rhino horn or bought some Spanish Fly from a Craigslist post by some guy named “Sexmonkey,” you might want to consider getting a tattoo instead. Ideally it would be on your forehead and it would say, “Chump.” It doesn’t matter how much magic fuck juice someone has coursing through their veins, they still have standards. There are still lines they won’t cross. They might be willing to bang a whole college football team after a six-pack of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, but would they do the same for a 10-and-under Pop Warner team? Probably not. Don’t sell yourself short OBSeSSed, you’re more attractive than back-to-back, long-term prison sentences for child molestation – and I haven’t even seen your Facebook profile. I’ll bet it’s complicated.
So, here’s your answer: There are scores of proclaimed aphrodisiacs, but not many could be considered condiments as well. Honey is a nice starter course. It has lots of simple sugars to keep your energy up. Drizzle it on. Lick it off. Divine.
However, if we’re talking true condiments, I have to go with Sriracha, a Thai pepper sauce that features a rooster on the bottle. It’s more commonly known as ‘rooster sauce,” but my smart-ass friends like to call it “Hot Cock Sauce.” It has lots of capsaicin, which boosts the heart rate and body temperature. In other words, hot cock sauce makes you all hot and bothered. What you squirt it on is your business; just make sure it’s consensual.
This article appears in July 12 • 2013.
