Dear Luv Doc,
My husband and I get along in almost every way. He is very stable, a good provider, and a good father, but he is a bit antisocial and doesn’t really like to go out at all – not to movies, or shows, or parties. He says he has to talk to people all week at work and that he wants to relax when he has time off, but I know he just isn’t comfortable in social settings. Now that our kids have gotten older and we have more time, I still can’t get him to go out with me. When I go out with friends, he gets sulky. I don’t want him to be unhappy, but I don’t want to stay home all the time either. What should I do?
May I suggest a copy of Dale Carnegie‘s classic self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People? Or wait, let’s not forget Dr. Norman Vincent Peale‘s Enthusiasm Makes the Difference – boy, does it ever! Perhaps, if you leave that literary tandem on his recliner, he will want to party like a porn star. (Uh … just a note: Unlike the president, I have never partied with a porn star, at least not knowingly, so I can’t confidently say that is something you would want your husband to do.)
For all I know, though, porn stars are highly introverted when they’re off-camera. That makes sense, actually. I would imagine being the center of attention all day on a porn set really takes the gunpowder out of your rocket, so to speak. Maybe a porn star’s fantasy involves curling up with a good book and some chamomile tea. Maybe there’s a website for that. If there is, I hope it has a really expensive paywall. Fair is fair.
Here’s what you should tell your husband: Your relationship can’t be based entirely on what he wants; otherwise, it’s doomed. You both have to be fulfilled in the ways you want to be fulfilled. It’s possible your husband thinks your desire to socialize is nonsense because he can’t imagine wanting to hang out with a bunch of obnoxious drunken partiers. Similarly, you probably can’t even begin to understand why anyone would want to lay around all night smoking dope and watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory. Don’t worry, I can’t either. There is no strain of marijuana even remotely potent enough to make that show funny. And guess what? It’s been nominated for more than 40 Emmy Awards. Fuuuck me. No wonder Dave Chappelle quit doing TV.
As inspirational as Dale Carnegie and Dr. Peale are, it’s still pretty unlikely that they’re going to turn your husband into a social butterfly. More importantly, neither are you. But you can tell him, in no uncertain terms, that having an active social life is very important to you and that if he can’t get on board with that, he at least shouldn’t get in your way. You need to live your best life just like he needs to live his … although TBH, yours sounds like a lot more fun.
This article appears in July 26 • 2019.
