Dear Luv Doc,
With the world going to hell in a handbasket, I have been finding it hard to get motivated to do even the simplest things – like getting dressed, or combing my hair, or feeding my cat. I don’t want to watch the news – too scary – and I have seen everything worth watching on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and HBO Max. I find myself staring blankly at those crackling log fireplace videos. I am not even sure what day it is. Arbor? The only thing I can really count on these days is the Amber Alert going off on my cell phone shortly before the rooster crows. Do people only snatch children in the early morning, or is the DPS just filled with sadists? Anyways, do you have any advice on staying motivated? I want to look forward to something other than the coming apocalypse. Oh, and don’t worry about the cat. If she gets too hungry, she jumps on me and meows until I feed her.
– A Frumpy Fan
A guy in a tuxedo once told me, “You can never be overdressed.” We were standing in line at the Taco Bell on Airport Boulevard at the time. Apropos of nothing other than the obvious absurdity of his attire, he ejaculated with that bon mot assumably to ease the dramatic tension. Keep in mind, this was right around the time that Don Cheadle’s white-suit-in-a-donut-shop scene in Boogie Nights was freshly seared into the public consciousness, so wearing a tuxedo into a Taco Bell probably seemed like a cosmic invitation for some heavy shit to go down. It did not – well, at least not until the following morning, but that’s just the price you pay for a booze-inspired late night Taco Bell run. There has to be a morning after.
I am always amazed at how the little, seemingly uneventful moments in life manage to gain such a strong foothold in my memory, but they do. By the way, that guy was dead fucking wrong. At the very least, he surely never had to suit up for Okie noodlin’, Turkish oil wrestling, or the 100-meter freestyle. That said, there is generally nothing wrong with looking sharp as long as it doesn’t make you or those around you uncomfortable. For instance, if I ever walk into a donut shop and there’s a guy wearing a white suit, my first inclination will be to get the fuck up on out of there – especially with all the open-carry knuckleheads walking around these days thinking they’re “protecting” people.
As far as daily attire goes though, you do you. Wear whatever makes you feel good. When the sadists at the DPS wake you up at 5:30am to tell you somebody’s grandpa is off his meds and tooling around Bexar County in a maroon Crown Vic, start your day off right by putting on something that makes you feel good when you look in the mirror – even if it’s a white suit. And while you’re standing in front of the mirror, fix your hair – not for the grossly undertipped Favor driver you see once a week, but for you. Treat yourself.
Yes, the world is definitely going to end, but it certainly won’t end because of some egotistical, belligerently ignorant, orange-haired turd blossom and his moronic minions. It will end because good, decent people – even people with cats – just stop giving a fuck. My advice to you is to start caring … deeply. Start living your best life right now, every day, no excuses. Believe me, no one else is going to do it for you. They’re too busy getting their own shit together. Speaking of, I need to go steam my tux, because I have a taco to eat.
This article appears in The Stress Issue.