Dear Luv Doc,
Been seeing a new guy for the last few months after a long (15-year) marriage that ended in divorce. This guy is an ex too. We have similar stories with similar outcomes. Now that we have been dating awhile, I have become more attached than I thought I might be, but he has been showing some behaviors that I am not sure how to take. Here’s one: If I tell him I am going out with friends he will always text me at least once, if not a few times. It’s usually something silly that could be saved for a time when I am not out with friends, so it feels like he is checking up on me. Also, on more than one occasion when we have been out (in my neighborhood) we have run into male friends (both of them married) and he commented on how it seemed like they were flirting with me. They weren’t. After I went to a party last week, he told me that anytime I am going to be someplace where there are other single men, he would appreciate being invited. I pushed back on that and said that’s ridiculous. How could I know in the first place? He said that he wasn’t trying to pressure me, but that if I really cared about his feelings, I would make an effort to invite him. We both had tough divorces and we both have trust issues, but this feels like controlling behavior. Am I wrong? I want him to feel secure but this seems over the line.
Divorcee Unleashed
Well, it sounds like you’re both relatively new to the dating game, but whether this fellow’s behavior is informed by some painful memories/deep trust issues, or whether he was this way before he got married, the outcome for you is the same. Oh, and the reason it feels like controlling behavior is that it is controlling behavior. The old, “I’m not telling you what to do, but when you don’t do what I tell you to do, it makes me feel like you don’t care about how I feel” is a real classic. It’s the first chapter in Emotional Manipulation 101, which I am pretty sure is a freshman lecture class at Liberty University. OK, maybe I am being too hard on the Falwellian curriculum, but didn’t Jesus say something like, “Y’all behave however you want, just remember I’m over here getting CRUCIFIED for your sins. No presh.”
If emotional manipulation was good enough for Jesus, who are we to complain? I think it’s safe to say there are plenty of people who need to be controlled. One of them is running absolutely fucking amok in the White House thanks to his overly obsequious, idiot fanbase. Yes, it turns out that there are certain people who absolutely need guardrails – not just third-graders at a bowling alley. I mean, I get it. I think everyone wants to believe that, deep down, people are basically decent. But then, every once in a while someone named Donny shows up and proves that, deep down, some of us are absolutely corrupt, mean-spirited, and rotten to the core. Clearly for some people, Jesus’ emotional manipulation tactics didn’t work. Maybe that’s why there is a strong chance Putin has an impressively large vault full of pee tapes. That’s what I fervently want to believe at least; otherwise, none of this makes any sense.
Even more disturbing is that there are going to be people who just read the preceding and thought, “Oh, well if Putin actually has pee tapes, that makes Trump seem slightly more human and relatable.” Exactly. Being pissed on by a room full of expensive Russian sex workers makes pretty much anybody more relatable. You know, like the time you lost your keys in the sand playing topless beach volleyball on Epstein Island.
Before that digression takes an even darker turn, here are my thoughts on emotional manipulation: Call it out. Every time. Call it what it is. If nothing else, the frequency of its use will become glaringly obvious. Maybe it will be good for both of you, especially if you can somehow manage to successfully navigate such a treacherous allegation. If not, you’re probably better off anyway.
Need more Luv Doc? Ask your question, check out the archive, and subscribe to the newsletter!
This article appears in September 18 • 2026.
