Dear Luv Doc,
I have been invited to a good friend’s wedding in a few months, but she was very clear to me that since it is a small wedding, she will not be inviting my boyfriend. BUT, I just found out yesterday that she is inviting the boyfriend of one of my other friends and they have only been together about six months! I have been with my boyfriend for three years! I am very hurt and upset about this and I am considering not going to the wedding at all, but she is a good friend and has never done anything like this to me before. Should I confront her about it or just skip the wedding altogether?
– Anne-gry
I can see how you would be upset, Anne. There is nothing scarier than a friend who gets married and pays for a wedding just to fuck you over. That is a staggering amount of hate. Even if your friend is getting hitched on the cheap, weddings are a lot of goddamned trouble to plan. I mean … the tablecloths alone. (Any wedding planner who claims to actually know the difference between shrimp and flamingo is blowing puce up your rosebud.) Talk about selection crisis. I would rather spend a week picking out a lamp at IKEA – which, to anyone who isn’t a hardcore materialist, is a torture just short of crucifixion.
So, it kind of goes without saying that this friend has a serious hate boner for you – and more specifically, your boyfriend. Anyone who would drop several grand on an itchy wedding dress just to insult your boyfriend must have a serious, ranch-sized beef. Did he strangle her puppy in front of her? Did he suggest she wax her unibrow? Did he type “their” when he really meant “they’re“? Because … and please don’t take offense … fuck that animal. He would probably just try to suck the meat out of the shrimp cocktail shells during the maid of honor speech anyway … or fake booty slap your grandma on the dance floor. I’m sorry, I hate to be judgmental, but it seems pretty clear given the evidence you’ve presented that your boyfriend has committed some sort of war crime. Think of it this way: Instead of an embarrassing trial in the Hague he’ll just be sitting home alone for a weekend eating Hot Pockets and dialing up internet porn so shocking it makes the dog look up from licking his balls.
There is one other possible explanation … I mean other than wild-eyed, insane hatred … and that is the possibility that she considers you a rock-solid friend. The kind of friend who, realizing that you have a tough financial choice to make, leans way over the plate and takes a fastball in the noggin for the home team. The kind of friend who sees the bigger picture and doesn’t get her panties in a wad about a perceived slight. The kind of friend who lets you have your wedding and enjoy your day without feeling guilty. The kind of friend who knows the day is not about her and all about you. I hope that’s the real explanation, and I hope you go to the wedding to which you have graciously been invited. And maybe also check your boyfriend’s arrest record. Just in case.
This article appears in September 9 • 2016.
