The Luv Doc: A Real Red Flag

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We don’t have a lot of conflict, but whenever I bring up a problem that I think needs addressing, my boyfriend gets really defensive and argumentative. Instead of discussing the issue I bring up, we will end up arguing about my choice of words or the tone of my voice. The end result is that nothing ever gets resolved and I don’t feel like I can bring up any difficult issues with him. Honest communication has always been easy for me, so this feels like a real red flag. Is there a way I can bring up difficult topics without making him angry and combative? 

Working on Working It Out

First, let me say combativeness is not a good sign – not even if he’s Pete Hegseth – and for the record, I hope he’s not. Pete is already on his third marriage, and I’m guessing his current wife has already lined up an A-Team of divorce lawyers. Pete’s got nice hair, recklessly high testosterone levels, and I’m told he can do as many chin-ups as Bobby Brainworms, but the only bleached blonde he truly loves has 34 felony convictions and a scratch golf game … well … as long as he’s playing Mar-a-Lago.

My apologies for the digression, but the thought I started out meandering toward is that, in general, people are not defensive and argumentative with people they respect. Them’s just the facts. Now, I will allow that certain people are wired in a way that makes them interpret any commentary, criticism, or even helpful suggestion as an attack. I find it extremely hard to relate to those people. How did they make it to full-grown adulthood? Did they have an emotional meltdown every time they got a B-minus on a report card? Did they stomp off to the locker room before halftime because the coach said they missed a tackle? Did they break their clarinet over the orchestra conductor’s head because she frowned when they hit a brown note? Maybe. People who think they’re perfect are psychotic.

And yet, there is something to be said for diplomatic delivery, isn’t there? As the subject of some pretty intense and prolific criticism over the years – pretty much all of it justified – I can report that some critics get overwhelmed with the negative emotions associated with having to deal with imperfection, neglect, incompetence, carelessness, lack of effort, outright failure, etc. They find it difficult to communicate effectively because of their strong feelings, often choosing words that are confrontational, condescending, demeaning, and even insulting. In short: They care. They really, really care, which is why they find it absolutely infuriating if you don’t.

The difference in care isn’t an unbreachable chasm, but it does demand empathy, understanding, and really strong communication skills. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. They want it done, done right, and done right now. They need you to understand and course correct … immediately, regardless of your own needs and priorities. They think that the best way to deliver that message is in a strident, severe, or even caustic tone – ideally while holding you by the facemask of your football helmet. Truthfully, they’re not thinking at all. The tone they use is the only tone they feel is appropriate to the circumstances. They’re usually wrong about the tone, but when you’re absolutely sure you’re right, what does it matter if your tone is wrong? 

Well, for starters, the message may not land at all, and when it doesn’t, it’s not a bad idea to recalibrate, consider your underlying emotions, and yes, your method of delivery and the tone thereof. If you’re dealing with a difficult topic, why is it difficult, and for whom? Most people don’t want a coach, they want a collaborator – someone who is on their side, rowing the same direction – right up until Pete Hegseth’s Department of War blows them out of the water for being a suspected drug smuggler. Is it his recklessly high testosterone, or because he really cares? You’ll have to figure that out for yourself. The same goes for your boyfriend.

This article appears in November 6 • 2026.