Dear Luv Doc,
I have always considered myself a heterosexual man. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have had frequent bouts with hemorrhoids. Working outside in the Texas heat only seem to exacerbate my symptoms. After having disclosed my condition to a coworker, he suggested that I keep my suppositories in the fridge. WOW! I was amazed at the instant relief that the chilled bombers provide. So here’s the problem. I find that I like the sensation so much that I occasionally get home from work and pop one in even when I am not having a hemorrhoidal flare up. Am I gay?
– Cornfused
Let me put your mind at ease, Cornfused: Yes, you are unquestionably gay. Go ahead and slap a rainbow sticker on your mint Fiat 500 and hustle down to Oilcan’s to collect your prize. Pro tip: All the super gay guys hang out near the chilled suppositories vending machine in the men’s room. Just so there’s no confusion, make sure you tuck a blue bandana in your back right pocket to let them know you’re DTF. (In case you were wondering, that means “Down to Freeze.”)
I can’t guarantee you’ll get lucky, but at least you’ve taken an important step: recognizing your gayness. I can’t tell you how many guys I know who claim to really love getting blow jobs and yet won’t admit that that makes them gay – not even partially. Where do they get off? It certainly isn’t the closet! They’re all proud that they enjoy oral sex, but you won’t see them marching in the pride parade.
You want to hear something really crazy? According to the CDC, nearly half of all men who consider themselves straight have had anal sex – roughly 44%. If you add the number of actual gay men to that total – somewhere between 5-10% – it means that every other guy you see is at least partially, if not totally, gay. That’s not even counting the ones who shamelessly claim they like blow jobs! Or how about the masturbators? Masturbation may not seem gay, but remember, technically you’re getting jacked off by a dude. Add all those together and nearly every man you know is at least a little gay.
That is, of course, assuming that gayness is determined solely by whether a man derives sexual pleasure from anything other than vaginal intercourse – which you seem to think it is. Far be it from me to disabuse you of that notion.
This article appears in November 7 • 2014.
