Dear Luv Doc,
I read somewhere that you should never marry anyone who isn’t willing to empty your cat’s litter box when you’re sick. Is that true? My cat’s litter box is disgusting.
– Cat Lover Carly
I am going go one further and recommend that you should never marry someone who would marry someone who owns a cat. I know that may seem a little drastic, but willfully owning a cat shows an appalling lack of judgment – sort of like smoking while filling your car up with gas or masturbating with a noose around your neck. You should never marry someone who would marry someone like that. I’m not saying marrying someone with poor judgment is a deal killer, but the odds are definitely against you. “Owning a cat” is basically just keeping an animal around that is going to feast on your corpse after you die. I can’t argue with the low ecological impact of that symbiosis, but being tortured by the “am I a friend or am I food” question would really mess up my bonding experience and probably ruin my sleep as well. That said, bless all you cat lovers and your charmingly dangerous optimism.
So, back to your question: Not only should you not marry someone who is not willing to empty your cat’s litter box when you’re sick, you should not marry someone who is not willing to empty your litter box (pssst … I am speaking figuratively here) when you’re sick. For most people who aren’t our president, marriage is a fairly long haul and in relatively close quarters. Inevitably, people get sick and ugliness happens no matter how hard we guard against it. And if, for some reason, you’re really successful at staying healthy and married for a long time, you get to watch your partner lapse into all manner of disturbing physical infirmities and horrifying dementia – the kind of stuff that would test the mettle of someone at the peak of their physical and mental abilities. The irony is that the really hard stuff happens when you’re old and tired and just want to drink a glass of warm milk and take a nap. It’s the kind of maddening paradox that makes you question the existence of a loving and benevolent creator.
So yes, ideally you want someone who will take out the cat’s litter when you’re sick. That’s a good sign, but a better sign might be if he takes out the cat as well. Then you know you’ve got a keeper because he is smart enough to know that someday after he’s gone, you might die alone in a house with a hungry cat.
This article appears in August 31 • 2018.
