The Luv Doc: A Half Pirouette

Dear Luv Doc,

In July I moved to a new apartment with my boyfriend of two years. It’s in a great location and has a beautiful view of Downtown Austin, but it’s smaller than I am accustomed to. For example, the bathroom door is about 5 feet from my side of the bed, so whenever my boyfriend gets up to pee at night it wakes me up. I can also hear everything he does in the bathroom – and also everything he doesn’t do. It’s not ideal. The worst part is that I have noticed that when gets up to pee at night he doesn’t wash his hands. This is a guy who always reminds me to wash my hands when we go to the grocery store or out to eat. I am not a huge germaphobe, but it’s unhygienic and I don’t want him touching my hands or my face in the morning. It sort of grosses me out. What is the nicest way to tell him that I know he doesn’t wash his hands when he wakes up to pee in the middle of the night?

– Light Sleeper

I have to say I find it curious that you have been with this guy two years and haven’t gotten on the same side of the fence regarding personal hygiene. I don’t know, maybe you’re Mormon and only into soaking. Otherwise, if your boyfriend makes you gag before you even begin fellatio, I would ask: A) Why is he your boyfriend? and B) Seriously, what is wrong with you? At the very least I would expect that scenario would necessitate a long, serious sit-down about expectations for personal hygiene – one that might even involve a list of preferred personal care products and maybe even some sort of visual aid like a slideshow.

I would expect it to go something like, “Hon, if you want to get that thing anywhere near me it should always look and smell like it’s been prepped for surgery. To that end, I have taken the liberty of emailing you a link to a 1200 PSI pressure washer as well as some links to Harry’s and Duke Cannon.” (Author’s note: I am not getting paid for endorsing either of those brands, but if someone were to hand me a potato chip bag full of hundos, I probably wouldn’t throw it in the trash.) I know I am probably not telling you anything new, but the hard conversations are almost always the ones you really need to have. Take it from me: I have been skillfully avoiding hard conversations my entire life.

But anyway, what I can’t get out of my head is why you’re obsessing about your boyfriend’s handwashing rather than the more obvious transgression your fear reveals: His junk washing. Imagine being in someone’s house and you notice the carpet is sticky, stained, and disgustingly mildewed and you think, “Well, at least the coffee table is clean.” No, you’re going to say something like, “Show me your backyard!” or better yet, “I just remembered I forgot to turn off my iron.” At which point you do a half pirouette and march the fuck out of there lest you find out why that carpet is sticky. No, it’s not a funny story. Maybe it was the day it happened, but that day is not today. Today is the day by which something should have been done about it.

So, here’s hoping that your boyfriend is not a huge face toucher. To be honest, face touching is a little bit creepy anyway, isn’t it? Am I alone in this belief? (p.s. Feel free to unload on my socials like you did when I had the audacity to slander Saint Tito a few weeks back. Damn, you dog lovers really go for the jugular.) Maybe I should walk that back a bit. Imagine how powerful your message would be if you cradled your boyfriend’s adorable face in your hands and said, “Baby … Imma need you to wash your junk obsessively and thoroughly every day – so well, in fact, that washing your hands after peeing will seem almost performative, but Imma need you to do that as well, because if you want a piece of mine, you are going to need to give me peace of mind.” That ought to do it. If he objects, there’s always the half pirouette.

This article appears in September 12 • 2025.