Dear Luv Doc,
This year, me and my boyfriend are going to his parents’ house in Corpus for Thanksgiving. It’s usually a potluck and me and his sisters and sister-in laws have a group text going about who is bringing what. I have always wanted to do a turkey so I volunteered to bring one (there are usually at least two because it’s a big family). When I told my boyfriend I was making a turkey he said somelike, “Babe, I don’t think making turkey is one of your talents.” I asked him, “What does that mean?” and he says that every time I cook chicken it’s always dry and that maybe I should stick to making corn casserole or cranberry sauce. I said he is crazy so last Saturday I made him a small turkey. I thought it was perfect. He said it was tender but it tasted bland. Bland! It was a fricking turkey! So I asked him if he likes anything I make. And he says yeah, but his mom and sisters are really good cooks so I should let them make the turkey. I said I would make one and let them decide if it’s good or not because I do what I say I am going to do. Then he said he doesn’t want to haul back a bunch of leftovers – I guess implying that no one will eat my turkey? So the next day I texted everyone and said that my boyfriend didn’t want me to make a turkey, but that I still wanted to, and they all said I should make whatever I want. Now I wonder if he just hates everything I make and is afraid I will embarrass him with my turkey. Am I being overly sensitive, or is my boyfriend just being a jerk?
– Feeling Fowl
He’s being a jerk. You should stop cooking for him immediately until he can properly communicate his profound gratitude for your efforts. I mean, fuck me, it’s bad enough you have to drive to Corpus for something other than getting wasted on Turbo Piña Coladas and sunburned on the beach, but you’re also trying to scale what is essentially a culinary Mount Everest. I would literally rather make anything than a turkey: beef bourguignon, baklava, crystal meth, gunpowder, googly eyes … you name it, it’s ahead of turkey on the list. So bully for you for attempting such an ambitious task.
Trying to make a turkey taste good is like putting lipstick on a pig. Culinarily there’s only so much you can do. Turkeys are the lowest-hanging fruit of all the game fowl.
Why? Because trying to make a turkey taste good is like putting lipstick on a pig. Culinarily there’s only so much you can do. Turkeys are the lowest-hanging fruit of all the game fowl. When John Smith and Co. showed up at the Wampanoag village with turkeys, I’m absolutely sure that they were greeted with feigned appreciation. “Why you wasting bullets on those nasty-ass gobblers? You know you can just hit them with a rock. Y’all must be HANGRY.” I try not to be too judgy about the first Thanksgiving though. You can’t expect starving people in buckle shoes to make smart choices.
But back to your boyfriend: What is your opinion of his cooking? Is his chicken wetter than a mermaid’s minge, or maybe … and I’m just guessing here … he isn’t cooking up anything at all – well, except unwanted opinions? I think maybe – for the sake of your relationship – it’s time for him to take some spins around the stovetop and allow his culinary sophistication to shine through – ideally in the form of delectable cuisine. Or is he one of those mach types who thinks kitchen work is for women? I bet he hasn’t even seen The Bear. I can’t really speak for Carmen other than his totally shredded abs in that Calvin Klein ad, but Richie? Richie is a straight up G. He’s got serious anger management issues.
But yeah, we need to get your boy to put in some quality time over a hot stove so he can access his gratitude. After all, no matter what you’re cooking, that’s the reason for the season. So, cook your extra-wet turkey if you want to – and enjoy the holiday. I recommend a few pitchers of Turbo Piña Coladas to keep things festive – but once you’re done, be done, then send your boyfriend into the kitchen to clean up and make himself useful.
This article appears in November 29 • 2024.
