1) Bow down before Almighty God — who “is using you, all the time, everywhere, to stand up for biblical worldview in everything that you do and everywhere you are.” Look in the Bible for mask guidance. Settle for 2 Corinthians 11:14-15.
2) Tell the neighbors you’re having a Halloween party that they must attend. If they don’t show, alert the Department of Homeland Security.
3) Despite months of advance warning, wait until the last moment to assemble your mask. Suggest that Halloween can just be postponed until you’re ready. Remind your neighbors that you’re more important than they are and you don’t care about their “issues.”
4) Pick up chain saw. Cut along dotted district lines and through communities of interest. (Be neat!) Secrecy is vital; allow no one to watch you cut out the mask. If people watch anyway, ignore their input.
5) Using chain saw and starting from the left, shred mask into 32 random shapes. Reassemble using tape and glue imported from the Northern Mariana Islands. Remember to leave eyeholes so you can avoid foul-smelling godless Cuban soldiers and schizophrenics with guns. Practice wielding chain saw with left hand and Denny Hastert’s gavel with right hand.
6) Submit your completed mask to the U.S. Department of Justice for pre-clearance. While waiting (it should be quick), invite anonymous car salesmen, accountants from Midland, and exterminators to move into the houses of neighbors whose views differ from your own. Fire up the old hot tub.
This article appears in Tom ‘Leatherface’ Delay.