Hearty congratulations to the Republicans for sweeping the presidency, Senate, and House. Voters demonstrated their love for the president-elect and his agenda. I thought that I knew American values, but the recent election has taught me how wrong I have been about so many things.
I thought immigrants were good, but now I know immigrants are bad.
I encounter immigrants in low-paying jobs, often in agriculture, construction, and service industries. I used to feel grateful for people willing to work hard for low wages, but now I know these people should be condemned. I didn’t know that immigrants were “dangerous animals” who were eating domestic pets, spreading venereal disease, and “poisoning the blood of our country.” Except the president’s wife, of course, an immigrant from Slovenia, and Elon Musk, an immigrant from South Africa, and Usha Vance’s parents, immigrants from India. Still, one has to wonder if they maintain a taste for domestic pets.
Anyway, history books say that America was founded by immigrants and the sign on the Statue of Liberty says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Obviously, America was just kidding about all that.
I thought telling women what to do was bad, but now I know telling women what to do is good.
Almost half of American women voted for the man who led the charge of the government takeover of their bodies. Undeniably, the avid advocate of polyamory remains attractive to more female voters than one might expect. Sure, he was found guilty of sexual assault and paid off a porn star, but you can’t really blame a guy for having a little fun. It must give many women a sense of security that a “pussy-grabber” will be watching their … backs for the next four years. As an added plus: His running mate just happens to be a leading expert on menopause and women who don’t have children.
I thought insulting people was bad, but now I know that insulting people is good.
Among other names, the president-elect and his cohort have called his opponent “retarded,” “defective,” “a shit vice president,” “a dipshit,” “evil, sick, crazy,” and “a bitch.” Many Republicans at the president-elect’s rally chanted, “The ho’s got to go.” How hilarious is that?
I thought insulting people was bad, but now I know that insulting people is good.
There’s “shithole” countries, “loser” casualties of war, “incompetent” reporters, and “fake,” “lying,” and “disgraceful” everything. The New York Times attempted to capture the insults posted by the president-elect on Twitter over a period of years and documented hundreds of mean and nasty zingers. The man is an insult machine, ready to demean anyone at any time. I plan to compile all the slurs into a book for bedtime reading with my children. They need to hear and understand the wise words of the president of the United States. It’s time to let go out of all that “I cannot tell a lie” nonsense.
I thought pollution was bad, but now I know that pollution is good.
I have learned that clean air and water are overrated. In his first administration, the president-elect revoked more than 100 environmental rules. He repealed the Clean Water Rule and rewrote laws to allow dangerous chemicals into the air and water. The new director of the Environmental Protection Agency, Lee Zeldin, achieved a lifetime rating of 14 on a 100-point scale from the League of Conservation Voters.
Among the largest donors to the president-elect’s campaign are tobacco and coal companies, so he could liberate the air for smokers and good, old coal once again, too.
I could go on and on. There’s education (who needs it? Hurrah for the uneducated), health (no need for vaccines when there’s plenty of bleach to go around), and penises (yay for the big ones).
In closing, I just want to thank American voters for setting me straight on my outdated and out-of-touch beliefs about American values. I look forward to experiencing the envy of the world as the newly elected government puts these new American values into action.
Lawrence Baines is the author of 13 books, most recently, What’s a Parent to Do?
This article appears in November 22 • 2024.