Waterloo Park isn’t just a bunch of sunburned, shirtless, barefoot guys in beer-stained denim cutoffs playing Frisbee with dogs wearing bandanas. Admittedly it can seem like that at times, but if you really crunch the numbers, the dog-in-the-bandana crowd is just a drop in the statistical bucket. Besides, who in their right mind would argue that a dog in a bandana isn’t a total chick magnet? Especially when trolling for halter-top hotties? Still, if you really want to get serious about luring the ladies, you’ll want to get a puppy. Puppies are cute even when they’re taking a crap – especially when they’re taking a crap, not to mention doing just about anything else. Some guys buy a Hummer, some guys wear expensive nugget jewelry, some guys dress in ritzy clothes, but the smart guys, the diabolically clever fellows, they buy a puppy. It’s a bankable fact. Chicks dig puppies. They also dig kittens, bunnies, chicks (both kinds, in some instances) and actual human babies too, but try dragging a baby around the park at the end of a leash and see how much play you get. The puppy’s the thing. Don’t mess with the formula. Don’t try to put a bandana on a monkey and take it on a stroll through the park. Parading around a monkey on a leash makes it look at best like you’re an organless organ grinder and at worst like you’re Dick Cheney. You don’t need that kind that kind of press. Get a puppy and start reeling in the babes. Just be prepared for the fact that you might snare a few men, too. Who knows, that may be your kick in the first place, but if it’s not, just think of them as dolphins in the tuna net and treat them kindly. Ever seen what happens when a grown man tries to come up and pet another man’s puppy? Serious skunk eye, that’s what. A look that says, “What are you, some kind of creep?” You’re bigger than that. Let the man get in his strokes and politely move along. There is one problem with puppies (well, besides the crapping thing, the peeing thing, and the gnawing on your ostrich-skin Tony Lamas thing) and that is that eventually, even with the most modest levels of care and feeding, puppies grow up – sometimes even faster than their owners, which may go a long way toward explaining the origins of the dog-in-the-bandana movement. This Friday, Waterloo Park will undoubtedly cater to the D-in-B crowd when the Austin Parks Foundation hosts a special screening of One Crazy Summer, starring Eighties heartthrobs John Cusack and Demi Moore. As if the movie weren’t draw enough, they’re also tapping the talents of musicians Johnny Goudie and Darin Murphy, who will be performing Eighties hits under the name K Tel Hit Machine. Too much fun already, right? Wrong. They’re installing a supersized Slip ’N Slide (how about just placing a want ad for personal injury lawyers?) and hosting the first ever Waller Creek Regatta, featuring remote controlled boats. The piece de résistance, however, is the evening’s first annual Ugliest Dog in Austin Contest. Question: What do you do with an ugly dog? Well, putting it in a bandana is a good start.
This article appears in June 25 • 2004.
