Things for which the Luv Doc is thankful:
1) That the president hasn’t yet declared martial law or started a nuclear war with Korea as subterfuge for the release of a videotape of him in a pee-soaked Moscow hotel room with a bunch of Russian hookers;
2) That the plagues of amphibians and locusts and dead fish and biting insects and darkness that I have been expecting all seem to have been replaced by one huge plague of internet stupidity, which is terrifying, but easily avoidable. This plague of boils, however … well … I should probably get that checked out;
3) That I only have to eat turkey one time a year;
4) That I am not conned by the deluded nostalgics who claim that turkey is their favorite meat but can’t account for the fact that there are no “Kentucky Fried Turkeys” or “Turk-fil-A“s;
5) That cranberries have at least one useful purpose: fighting bladder infections – even though they’re bitter enough to make you endure a bladder infection;
6) That I recently got rid of every pair of underwear I had with holes in them. Hopefully someone at Goodwill can find a use for them;
7) That my fatty liver isn’t the bad kind of fatty, it’s really just jolly;
8) That I finally learned how to enjoy coffee, and it only costs me $5 and 330 calories;
9) That Colin Kaepernick is GQ‘s “Citizen of the Year“;
10) That Austin is still the same unpretentious little town where you can walk/carry your miniature dog from your half-million-dollar Downtown high-rise condo to Whole Foods and pick up a Chronicle so your dog doesn’t have to shit on the bare floor. Oh, and if he hits a bull’s-eye, please send me a photo.
This article appears in November 24 • 2017.
